


Je Suis Désolé

by drarryiscannon



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Blowjobs, Captivity, Confessions of love, Cuban Lance (Voltron), Explicit Sexual Content, First Kiss, Fluff, Galra!Keith, Gender-Neutral Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Glove Kink, Idiots in Love, Keith and Pidge are BFF's, Lance has a praise kink the size of Texas, M/M, Memory Alteration, Mothman, Mutual Pining, Psychological Trauma, Sexual Content, Sexual innuendos, Swearing, Torture (Non-Graphic Mental), Unresolved Romantic Tension, background shallura - Freeform, erotic asphyxiation, klangst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-08
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2018-08-29 19:28:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 15
Words: 23,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8502481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drarryiscannon/pseuds/drarryiscannon
Summary: Two years have passed since Voltron was formed. Lance has been dancing around Keith for a while now. Keith learns that love is not selfish, love can build you up, and also tear you apart. This is the story of how Keith and Lance shared a love so powerful it saved the universe.





	1. Where Does the Time Go?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some dots they won't connect until the years go by  
> If we're not meant to be together  
> Some day we'll know the reasons why 
> 
> -"Where Does the Time Go?" A Great Big World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to thank my amazing, terrific, talented, wonderful beta, jazzybailey. This fic is a work in progress, and it wouldn't have been possible for me to continue writing this if it wasn't for them. 
> 
> Writing a multi chapter isn't easy. There's days when I feel like throwing my laptop away and I just can't get any words to come out. 
> 
> I just want to write something that I'm proud of.
> 
> So, on that note, I hope you enjoy JSD as much as I enjoy writing it.

I guess you could say that I'm a hypocrite.

Sure, I know that someday I will die. I know that one day my heart will stop beating and pumping blood throughout the veins in my body. I know this. I just never thought that these rules, this one guaranteed promise of death, would ever apply to him. 

\--&\--

When I was still living out in the desert, I used to sleep on the roof of my little shack sometimes. I liked the illusion of freedom that the vast night sky gave me, and I loved the way the stars held so much promise. It used to be beautiful. Now, it's just unsettling, makes my bones feel achy and my lungs feel deflated. Pidge says they miss the feeling of grass between their bare feet, and Hunk misses the warm rays of sunshine. The beams on his face, his bare back. Shiro misses the way the moon used to look small, like a pearl in the sky. He wishes he could still feel infinitely small, but now he knows better than to be so naïve. 

Lance misses the rain. He smiles, and it's a sad, broken smile, that wraps fingers around my heart and squeezes tightly, it almost takes my breath away, that's how much it hurts. 

"I miss the way the mist rose up from the ground, on the humid days. I miss the feel of it on my skin, I miss the way it made everything smell new. I don't know Keith. It just smells like life." Lance says, softly, as he brings his knees up to his chin, and folds in on himself.

I frown. "Do you ever think we'll go home again?" I ask him. Lance scowls, looking away from me, and starts picking at the blanket covering him.

"I don't know. I don't know anymore." 

 

\--&\--

 

Violet rays of light flash past my head, I feel the heat, searing the tips of my ears. A Galra charges at me, and I slice through his chest like it's nothing, my bayard piercing his armor like it was melted butter. I try to tune out the screaming, and ignore the blood dripping off of my bayard.

"Take _that_ , you fucker!" Pidge yells angrily, stomping on another Galra soldier. Shiro runs into the room, and easily takes out two Galra, like they're nothing but flies. The castle on Phüree is almost cleared out, and if we can just hold on, we'll have freed another planet. Hunk backs himself up against me, and we kill the Galra much easier this way, we're able to keep an eye on the situation, on each other. 

"Lance!"

Shiro is scrambling over to the other end of this massive hallway, and I don't breathe anymore. 

_What is going on_?

I break away from the small formation Hunk and I had, and I run over to where Shiro is.

Lance is knelt down at the floor, bayard clutched to his chest. A Galra lays dead at the floor. One furry arm is outstretched, almost like he was trying to reach out to him. 

"I killed him. I killed him. I fucking _killed_ him. He begged me to let him just run away, and I killed him." he chokes out, tears running down his beautiful brown face.

"Look, Lance, we're fighting a war here. And war is cruel. But you're not a killer." Shiro says, rubbing his back.

"Guys! Um, we have a problem!" Hunk shouts panickedly, as more Galra emerge into the hall. Shiro looks at me, and I already know what he's going to say.

"Just go. I've got him." I tell him.

He nods at me, then runs off towards Hunk and Pidge, and they cut the Galra down like irksome blades of grass. Lance is staring at the dead Galra in front of him.

"I killed him," he says quietly.

I take the bayard out of his grip, and I pull him into my chest. I let him sob into me, while Shiro and Hunk clear out the Galra. 

I find myself looking around, nervously, because we aren't safe. We're in the midst of battle. I have faith in them, though. They wouldn't let anything get over here.

I feel him shaking in my arms.

I've never felt so weak.

\--&\--

No one sees Lance for three days once we get back to the Castle.

Pidge sighs, drawing their knees up to their chest.

"God. You're being so emo, Keith. Stop brooding and check on him. You know you want to." Pidge says, elbowing me. "He won't let me in his room, or Hunk, or Shiro. Not even Allura. And Allura even said she'd kiss him if he opened the door. You know something's wrong if Lance turns _her_ down," they say.

I laugh awkwardly, "Yeah, I'll try Pidge." 

They smile at me encouragingly and turn back to the kitchen, where Hunk is no doubt concocting some unholy goo dinner. I shiver. We all just thought Lance needed space. So we gave him that. But one day turned into two, and that's turned into three. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried. 

I find myself breathing shakily as I stand in front of Lance's door. My knuckles are poised, ready to knock, but the lump in my throat and the claws in my heart have stolen my hands. I stand there, like a fucking idiot for few minutes while I try to figure out what I'm going to say. I have no idea. I'm not good at this. I never have been.

"Ummm. Hey, Lance, buddy, you in there?" 

_Oh my god Keith. You're an idiot. Of course he's in his room_.

"Lance, please. I just wanna talk, if that's okay. I...we miss you, dude," I say quietly, resting my forehead against the metal door.

There's a whoosh, and then I'm greeted with a puffy, red eyed, tall, gangly mess of boy. He's wrapped in multiple blankets, and he looks like a burrito, and it would almost be cute if the circumstances weren't so fucking horrible. He steps aside, letting me in.

"You know, Keith, I used to play Halo. Remember Halo? That stupid first person shooter? I used to love that game. And at the Garrison, I was always one of the top scorers in the simulation. But you know what?" Lance asks me, and he starts laughing. 

"You know what Keith? This isn't a fucking video game. I've killed people. You've killed people. Shiro, Hunk, Pidge. We've all _killed_ people. And yeah, Zarkon is a douchebag, like, I get that. He wants to destroy the fucking universe and enslave everyone, but I didn't sign up for this!" he yells.

I cringe. The claws in my heart are digging, I feel my body bleeding, and I don't know what to say, because all I have to offer him is ugly lies and word vomit all over his shoes. 

_"I didn't sign up to be a killer!"_ Lance screams, and I feel his rage, I feel it in my entire body. His words are making me a noose, and his body wracking with sobs, is giving me the green light. 

All I can do is gather this broken, beautiful boy into my arms. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blep. 
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr as [apocolypticprince](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/apocolypticprince)
> 
> I track the tags #fic: JSD and #fic: JSD Klance


	2. Promise Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Promise me you'll wait for me  
> I need to know you feel the same way too  
> And I'll be home, I'll be home soon
> 
> \- "Promise Me" Beverly Craven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's time for despair and cuddling :D
> 
> Come say hi on [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/apocolypticprince) I love hearing from you guys!!

It's a quarter past what would be midnight, going by the little clock that Pidge made for us all to keep in our rooms. I curl in on myself, snuggling deeper into my blankets. But it doesn't do anything, because I'm still cold. I'm still cold. I'm not sure exactly what this feeling is, but I don't like it. I don't like having to feel so intensely, my mind spinning around in circles trying to figure out what it all _means_.

I'm not sure I even want to know. I can't be selfish. I can't...develop _feelings_ for Lance. He deserves better, he deserves all sixty-three of Jupiters moons, he deserves to feel the rain on his gorgeous face again. If I could give him all the stars and brightly shining nebulas on a gold platter, I would. I would give him _everything_ and expect nothing in return. 

But I can't. 

Because he's _hurting_. He can deny it all he wants during the day, during training, after battle, and at meal times. I hear his screams at night, and I know better. When I rush into his room, and I take him into my arms, I feel his tears staining my shirt. All I do is add to his pain, I'm like a rusty knife and it doesn't even matter how hard I try to pray, to any god or deity, I will be the end of him. Vulnerability gets you killed. I'd sooner get sucked into a black hole, than let him be hurt by my own hand. I can't be selfish, I tell myself that it will be easy, just stomp it down, compartmentalize, forget. 

The silence is warm, and I can't help but to embrace it. My mind has been running around in circles all night.

I'm nearly asleep, when I hear my door slide open. Little sniffles ring through the air, and I don't even have to turn over to know it's him. I feel his presence, his heat, as he stands uncertainly by the bed.

"Keith? I can't sleep," Lance whispers, quietly, like he's afraid.

I roll over and take him in. His eyes are blue, even in the darkness of my room. I lift up my blankets, patting the bed and mentally cursing myself. I'm supposed to distance myself, save us both from the disaster that is myself. I'm so weak. He makes me weak. Here we are though, laying in my bed silently. Lance is warm, he's so alive and he's in my bed, shyly taking my hand in his. 

I let him. 

"Thank you," he says, and the words hang heavy in the chilly air of my room.

I squeeze his hand and smile. He doesn't need to thank me, because this is nothing. In that moment, I realize that I would do anything for him, just to keep him alive and bright and beautiful. 

"Of course," I whisper, and I try to ignore the way his face flushes prettily. He sighs, and nuzzles his head into my chest, and I am forced to accept the gravity of the present. My whole universe is in my arms, he is warmer than the sun, and more precious than any stupid Balmera crystal. I don't care what Allura says. Lance is worth more than it all. 

I smile in spite of myself. I can feel it, the tender ache in my bones, the little claws in my heart, telling me to hold on to my blue boy and never let him go. I want to be selfish. So I close my eyes, and I let sleep take me. 

\--&\--

_His blood is running freely, dripping off my bayard and staining my hands red. His eyes look into mine, and the betrayal and grief I see in his blue galaxies cripple my lungs. Choked breath spills from his lips._

_"Ke-Keith..."_

_He shudders, falls to his knees. His convulsing body is now laying on the floor, blood pooling around him, his red blood is staining his blue armor, turning it a sickly purple. This is what happens when I let myself love him_.

 _"Keith...I..." Lance strains to speak, and trails off, gurgling and choking on his own blood. I hear screaming, it's everywhere, it's in everything, the air, the blood on the floor and my hands, I can't breathe and I'm dying_. 

_The screaming gets louder and I'm frantically looking over my shoulders, trying to find the source, I'm covering my ears and pulling at my hair_. 

\--&\--

"Keith! Keith, oh my god, oh my god it's okay, you're okay. I'm here. I'm not leaving. It's okay." Lance is shaking, his hands are jittery, faltering, but he cups my face in his hands. I see his eyes, wide and panicked, clear and bright, looking into my own. 

"It was just a nightmare," he whispers into my ear. I shiver violently, and try to pull away from him. 

I sob loudly into his chest, but he still holds onto me. The tears falling down my face are warm and sticky, and it feels like the blood from my dream. 

"It was just a nightmare," he says, desperately, holding me closer, close enough to hear his heartbeat. 

"It'll be okay, Mullet, I promise." 

I cry harder, because I so _badly_ want to believe that after two years of war and nothing but endless space, I want to believe that it will be okay. I want to believe I'll be fine, that Lance will be okay. I want to believe that Shiro will stop panicking at night, and that Pidge will stop obsessing over their brother and father. The look on their face when we free prisoners in the taken Galra bases crushes me. Because Matt and their father are never _there_. I want to believe that Hunk will start to laugh again, and smile and actually mean it. 

I wish I could let myself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the suffering.
> 
> It's all I can write.
> 
> Oops :')


	3. Fear Might Be The Death of Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget about me  
> Even when I doubt you  
> I'm no good without you, no
> 
> \- "Doubt" Twenty Øne Pilots

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really tired but I just finished writing this because BAM inspiration came and idk here have some more Klance take it before I chuck my laptop out the window

I wake up to warm breath puffing softly against my neck, making me shiver and curl my toes. I feel so cozy, and I can't help but smile, when I feel a hand squeeze mine gently. 

"Good morning Keith," Lance whispers. I blush and try to compose myself before turning over to face him.

I drink in those eyes, oh my god they're so blue, and utterly gorgeous. For him I wouldn't mind drowning. If he wanted to break me, I would let him. He rubs tiny circles into my palm, with his index finger, and he smiles at me like I'm something special.

"Morning," I mumble into the air between us.

He laughs and it sounds like a bell, or maybe angels singing. Something equally cheesy, but fuck, it's true. He sounds so happy.

"Someone's cranky, huh? Not a morning person are you Keith?" he says in a singsong voice.

I roll my eyes, but can't hold back my goofy grin. Lance pokes my nose playfully, and I find myself giggling. 

"I would really hope that after two years you'd know that. We can't all wake up and look like Greek gods, you know," I say as I nuzzle underneath his chin. 

"Mm. You're also really cuddly. Like, a teddy bear. Or a cat. Or-"

I cut him off with my hand over his mouth, laughing and blushing.

"Lance! You can't just say things like that!" I grumble, flopping back down beside him.

He chuckles and holds me, pulling me closer to him. I feel him breathing and I close my eyes, trying to somehow commit this one good moment to memory. 

"You sleep okay? I mean, uh. You know. After your..." Lance trails off and instead holds me even tighter.

I don't say anything right away, because I'm not sure how I want to respond to this. I have nightmares a lot, everyone does. It shouldn't be a big deal. I shouldn't let it affect me, but it does. And I think Lance knows it. 

"Yeah. I did. After the, um, nightmare, yeah," I say quietly, because those words are heavy on my tongue and I can feel hot fear flooding my veins already.

"Do...do you want to talk about it? You know you can tell me anything. You know that, right, Keith?" Lance asks.

"I don't want to talk about it," I snap, pulling away from his arms, and flinching when he frowns.

"What is your problem, man?" he says quietly, face turning red.

"I'm not the one with a problem, Lance. I'm _fine._ I'm not the one screaming every fucking night, coming into other people's beds," I say bitterly.

He looks at me, and I see it. The betrayal and hurt from my dream last night, it's there plainly written in his beautiful blue eyes.

 _I put it there_.

"Well. I-I won't be bothering you again," Lance says, eyes glassy and voice wavering, as he scrambles out of my room, leaving me alone with the monster that is myself.

\--&\--

"Keith. We need to talk," Shiro says, resting a hand on my shoulder. I'm sweaty and irritated. Hunk and I just finished sparring on the training deck, and I was hoping to evade everyone else, on my way to the showers. So much for that.

I scowl and shrug his hand off of me. 

"Yeah? What about?" I say briskly.

Shiro frowns at me and is silent for a moment.

"We have to be a team, Keith, or Voltron can't form. We can't let everyone else down, just because you and Lance...aren't getting along. You two need to fix it. I don't know what you said to him, Keith, but it really hurt him. He's been moping around for the past three days, and, uh, Hunk says he thinks he's been crying at night." 

I frown and stare at the floor. The claws are digging into my heart and I feel every puncture wound they leave. I feel my hands trembling, and I put them in my pockets. 

"You fix it, do you understand me?" Shiro says seriously, looking me right in the eyes. 

I nod jerkily. 

"Fine. Yeah. I got it."

"Keith, I mean it. The fate of the entire universe is resting on our shoulders here. Voltron cannot be compromised," he says.

"I told you, Shiro. I understand," I say, angrily, turning on my heel and walking away from him.

\--&\--

I'm afraid.

I'm not good at deciphering emotions, or at being a social butterfly, I'm not good at being a friend. Maybe part of it is because I was alone for so long, in the arid desert with nothing but my empty hostility and disappointment for company. I'm lonely, and I always have been, but I'll never admit it, out loud, anyway.

It's four in the morning, and I'm wandering around the castle aimlessly because I can't sleep. The bed is too big, and my room is cold and I'm trying really hard to escape the fact that I've fucked up. Lance doesn't deserve this, I know I made a mistake. I never should have said what I did, pushed him away. He's crying in his room; I know because I stood in front of his door, hand poised and ready to knock, for over half an hour. 

I couldn't do it, I couldn't fucking face him, because I'm so terrified. All I could do was stand there like an idiot and listen to him sob. 

_When did I get so selfish?_

I shiver and shuffle along, rubbing at my eyes, and wandering around aimlessly, trying to clear my head. Shit, it's so dark, I don't even know where I am. I feel cool tile underneath my feet, and I run my hands along the wall, until I find a switch. I flip it, illuminating the room. 

"Keith? What are you doing?" Pidge asks.

I stare at them, and blink stupidly. 

"I uh, I couldn't sleep. So I went for a walk?" I say nervously.

They sigh, putting their bowl of goo down on the tabletop. "Almost thought it was Lance. He doesn't sleep much lately. Why do you think that is, Keith?" they ask angrily.

I fold my arms and look away.

"He cares about you, you know. I don't know why you're so cold to him. He's so lonely, Keith. Lance has been struggling with the responsibility that comes with being a paladin for a while now. I thought-I don't know, for a while he was getting better. But you made it worse. You really hurt him. Lance acts all tough and shit, but that's all a front. I figured by now you knew that. But I guess not." Pidge walks past me, knocking into me, on their way out of the kitchen.

I stare at the floor and all I feel is cold. My lungs feel tight, and I feel a lump in my throat. I slide down the wall and cover my eyes, tears finally streaming freely. 

Why can't I just apologize? 

The gravity of the situation hits me. Lance really cares, he _cares_ and I've been dancing around him for two years now. He deserves to be happy, fuck. We both do.

\--&\--

The next morning I find myself staring at Lance's door and picking at my fingerless gloves.

Okay.

You got this, Keith. Knock on the door. You've taken out Galra soldiers, freed prisoners, piloted a magical flying robot lion, you can knock on the door.

I knock. 

"Shiro, I told you. I'm not coming out. I don't care."

I cough and look away.

"Ummm. No, Lance, it's Keith."

"Get the _fuck_ away from my door," Lance shouts.

"Look, I came to-I want to apologize, okay? Please. Lance I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. Please let me in." I say, resting my forehead against the door.

"Fuck, I feel like I'm in 'Frozen' right now," Lance grumbles.

I look up when I hear footsteps. All too soon, the door is sliding open, and there's Lance, scowling at me. 

"Well? I'm waiting." He rests a hand on his hip, and god, I don't know if I remember how to speak English.

"I'm an asshole." I blurt out.

Lance just squints at me.

"I was insensitive, and I'm sorry. I know...it's hard. For you. It's hard for me too."

Lance gives me a pouty look, but his cheeks are red. He gestures at me to continue, a small smile creeping onto his face.

"Oh god, I'm so bad at this. I'm sorry," I say pitifully, gloved hands covering my face and my embarrassment.

I peek out at him from behind my fingers. Lance's face is red and he's...biting his lip?

"Uh. Oh, um. I accept your apology. On one condition, though," Lance says with a smirk, taking my hands away from my face.

I feel myself blushing, as Lance clasps my hands, and then let go. 

"Anything." 

Lance smiles. "I want you to stop being scared." 

I gape up at him. My hands are sweaty and he's looking at me all funny and my face feels hot and _fuck_ I think I'm dying.

Lance closes the distance between us, until we're forehead to forehead. My heart is fucking pounding and I think I'm having a panic attack.

 _Oh my god_.

"Why are you so afraid, Keith?" he whispers.

"I don't want to hurt you," I say, shaking and closing my eyes and trying not to puke all over this gorgeous boy.

Lance brushes his lips against mine, "I'd let you," he says softly, and I feel my heart skip a beat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oooooooh cliffhangers are fun right? 
> 
> *throws back a Redbull and dabs*


	4. I'm No Good Without You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scared of my own image  
> Scared of my own immaturity  
> Scared of my own ceiling  
> Scared I'll die of uncertainty
> 
> \- "Doubt" Twenty Øne Pilots

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah I really like TØP if you could not tell. 
> 
> I'm [here](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/apocolypticprince) on the great Tumblr.com if you ever wanna scream about Klance or Yuri!!! on Ice or anything in general. I need friendos :')

Everything is so _blue_.

I can't tear my gaze away from him, and I hear the alarms blaring off inside my brain. My blood is raging, my lungs feel like they're being crushed, and then all of a sudden I feel calm, the panic has ebbed away into a keen sense of suspense. All I can feel is _want_.

Lance rubs a thumb across my cheekbone, his other hand snaking onto my waist and pulling me in, I'm so hopelessly lost in his orbit. He smiles at me, and holy shit, I don't know what love is exactly, but this has to be pretty fucking close.

"Keith." 

Oh my god, I want so badly to taste my name on his lips, but I'm scared. I breathe shakily as he tilts my chin up. All I feel is Lance, he is everything and everywhere, and I don't really know how I ever survived without this, because _fuck_ , I was missing out.

He chuckles, and I feel it burning the ice out of my lungs.

"Is this-is it okay?" I whisper against his lips, taking hold of his jacket in my hands.

Lance closes the minuscule distance between us, and oh my god, I have ascended to another plane of existence, or I'm dead and decaying, because _wow_.

At this point, I don't believe in the concept of time, because this feels like forever and two seconds all at the same time. The only thing that's remotely real is him, he's beautiful and he's smiling, I can feel it in the kiss.

He's gentle, and his lips are soft against my own chapped ones. I feel him run a hand through my hair, and fuck, I'm beaming, my chest is on fire in the best way. I let go of his jacket, and pull back, opening my eyes.

Lance has the cutest, stupidest look on his face. His eyes are blown wide and his lips are swollen. I kiss him again, because how can I not? He sighs and wraps his arms around me and I don't feel trapped, I feel protected and cared for. I don't want to run away. He plays with my hair, as we kiss softly. 

He breaks away, panting, and grinning ear to ear.

"Um. Can I ask you something?" Lance asks shyly.

I smile and slip my hands into his jacket pockets. 

"Anything."

"Was I...your first? Your first kiss?" he says blushing, dark cheeks tinged with the prettiest pink.

I look down at our shoes, biting my lip.

"Yeah. I'm sorry, it was bad wasn't-"

Lance crashes our lips together and backs me up into the wall, kissing me deeply, hands latched to my waist. 

"Shut your quiznak, you're amazing." he whispers into my ear, nibbling softly and making me shiver.

I can feel my cheeks flushing and I cover my face, embarrassed. 

"Hey. C'mon, look at me, I'm glad I got to be your first. You're good. Like, so good," Lance says with a wink and he smirks at me. 

"Oh my god," I groan.

"No need to call me that, Lance is just fine."

"You dick!" I laugh and shove him playfully.

\--&\--

 

I have to say, two years of space goo starts to hinder your sanity. I'd kill for a slice of pepperoni pizza, or a plate of fries. Or a milkshake. Fuck the lactose intolerance, I'd down a chocolate milkshake with _no_ regrets at this point.

"Keith, you have not touched your meal," Allura says, with a concerned look.

I feel a hand snaking its way up my thigh, and I drop my spoon with a loud clatter. I cough loudly and blush.

"I'm just. Um. Not feeling well," I say quickly.

"You do look kinda red, like your face is all flushed," Hunk says, looking at me with a knowing smile.

Shiro narrows his eyes at me.

Lance just grins like a motherfucker, squeezing my thigh.

"Gotta eat your dinner, Keith. Or you don't get dessert," he says with a wink.

 _Oh my fucking god_.

I spit my goo out all over Pidge's face, and the room is deathly silent, save for Coran's hysterical laughter.

"You have fifteen ticks before I flay you," they say calmly.

I don't think I've ever bolted that fast in my entire fucking life.

\--&\--

"You should have seen the look on your face bro, it was priceless," Hunk said, laughing and clutching his stomach.

I grimace. 

"It was an accident." 

He smiles, and Lance cackles like the troll that he is.

"Maybe you should be more careful, Keithy boy," Lance says, as he boops me on the fucking nose.

I blush furiously and look away.

Hunk yawns, and rubs at his eyes.

"Well, I'm off to bed. Don't get into trouble, you two," he says, as he grins at Lance and then me, winking before he walks away.

"I hope you saved room for dessert, Mullet." 

I groan and cover my face.

"Shut the fuck up and lets go to sleep." 

He laughs and hugs me from behind, kissing my neck.

Lance smiles like a fucking idiot when I turn around to kiss him, I feel his entire presence infecting me, with his radiance.

He says my name like it's a prayer, and I hope to any gods listening, that I can somehow keep him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who's excited about that minuscule character development? 
> 
> Aye I am.
> 
> See y'all sometime soon with more Space Gays and brand new Sexual Tension ;3c


	5. Disenchanted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And when the lights all went out  
> We watched our lives on the screen  
> I hate the ending myself,  
> But it started with an alright scene
> 
> \- "Disenchanted" My Chemical Romance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the delay, finals kind of kicked my ass and the food coma from Thanksgiving didn't do me any favors.
> 
> But anyway. 
> 
> I'm kind of excited about this chapter, it was fun(?)to write.

I feel a cool hand softly shaking my shoulder, and I groan, burying deeper into the blankets.

"Lance go back to sleep," I mumble.

"No, it's-its me, Pidge. I was wondering if I could talk to you." 

I open my eyes, poking my head out the blankets, and trying not to jostle Lance, who was sleeping soundly next to me. I end up smiling at him, like the complete fucking dork that I am.

They look nervous, sad, shifting their gaze from me, to Lance, and back to me.

"You...you really care about him. Don't you?" Pidge says with a sad little smile, putting their hands in their pockets.

I rub my eyes, and look down at him. He's so beautiful, he's so fucking gorgeous, and his smile outshines the sun, he's prettier than all the nebulas and stars out there. Lance is kind, and ridiculous and stupidly perfect. I run a hand across his warm cheek. 

"I do," I whisper, and it surprises me how tender the words come out.

Pidge smiles and turns away.

"I thought we could go to the training deck, if that's okay with you." 

I cough and somehow manage to leave the bed without waking Lance up. 

"Sure thing. Let me get dressed and I'll meet you up there," I say, fumbling around the room trying to find my other black fingerless glove.

Pidge nods and leaves the room, shutting the door quietly. I finally manage to find a black shirt that looks pretty clean, and shove my boots on. Lance is spread eagle out on the bed, snoring softly and drooling on my pillow. 

I toss another blanket on top of him, take his hand, and kiss his knuckles for good measure. He grumbles in his sleep. Rolling my eyes, and grabbing my bayard, I leave the room.

\--&\--

 

"Level 15," Pidge says, gasping and clutching their chest.

The drone beeps, and spins around towards me, blunt sword swinging up into my face. I dodge it and slice at its arm, I hear the blasters shooting away at Pidge and they run around the deck, using their bayard to shock the blasters out. The drone keeps coming at me, makes a swipe at my legs and it catches my left knee. 

I shout in pain and push the drone away from me.

"End session!" I yell.

The blasters turn off, and the drone stills. I'm left breathing heavily and clutching my bayard, wiping my bangs back off of my face.

"What the hell man, why'd you turn the drill off?" Pidge whines.

I cough loudly, and turn to them.

"You said you wanted to talk to me, but all we've done is go through like five drills. I get that you wanted to train, but don't try and tell me that there's nothing bothering you," I say sternly, sitting down and laying on my back. 

Pidge walks over and lays down next to me, flinging their bayard down to the other side of the room.

"I just. It's been two years, Keith. It's been two fucking years and we still haven't found my dad and my brother. I always thought we'd find them. But what if-if we don't? What if they're _dead_? They could be dead and I'd never know. I know Shiro feels guilty, so I just. I don't like talking to him about it. I figured...maybe you'd understand. If that makes sense," Pidge says, taking their glasses off and putting them on the floor.

"I didn't know...you felt that way," I say softly. 

"It's been two years, Keith. I'm not stupid. I won't-I can't believe that they're still-" Pidge's breath hitches, and I know they're going to cry. I don't need to see that face. I've heard that sound too many times to not know what it means.

"What if they died thinking no one was looking?" they grit out, crying freely and balling their hands into fists.

I take their hand and squeeze it tightly.

"You can't give up. You can't. If you have a family, you should hold onto them no matter what. You shouldn't give up on them. We're going to find them, Pidge. I promise. Space is a big place, yeah?" I say releasing their hand.

Pidge sniffles loudly, and nods. 

"I'm sorry, by the way. For being a douchebag earlier, when Lance was still upset. At the Garrison, people gave him a lot of shit. I know he acts all confident and cocky and happy, but he's not. It's just the way he's learned to cope. So I don't know, I guess when Hunk told me he was pretty sure you liked Lance, I got mad. Because Lance is like, stupidly obsessed with you, he's so mad over you it's not even funny. He didn't think you'd ever like him that way. Lance thought it'd like, fuck up the team dynamics. I was just worried you'd hurt him. He's so scared, Keith. I can see it, though. The way you look at him. Everyone is really happy, you know," they say, grinning at me.

"I wasn't sure-I didn't know, that's how you guys felt. I know Lance was worried Allura or Shiro might not like it," I say, biting my thumbnail. 

"Pfffft, whatever, they're over the moon about it. Apparently Coran had a bet going, on when you two would get together," they say, cackling loudly.

I groan and cover my face.

\--&\-- 

 

One hand gripping my towel, and the other holding my bundle of sweaty clothes, I made my way back to my room. 

My hair was wet still, and my bangs kept falling into my face. I shivered, the flooring was cold underneath my feet, and the air was cool enough to give me goosebumps. 

I pushed my bangs out of my face, only to walk straight into Lance.

"Oh-oh my god, where are y-your clothes," he stutters.

I blush and look up at him. 

"Not like you haven't seen me shirtless before," I say, shrugging and making my way to my door.

Lance runs up in front of me, blocking the door and smirking.

"This, is different though," he says, winking and making a disgusting kissy face.

"You idiot, just let me into my room," I grumble, stomping my foot down for good measure.

Lance laughs, "Well, since you asked so nicely." 

I shove my way past him, and once I'm past the door, Lance walks in too, shutting the door-and locking it.

"Wha-"

He grabs my wrists, and I drop my clothes. Hands, trailing up my sides, coming up to rest on my face. 

"You're so beautiful," Lance whispers against my lips.

He kisses me slowly, like I'm something to take your time with, like I'm worth it. His hands take my hips, backing me up against the wall. I kiss him back, almost afraid, because I don't want to ruin this. 

He's running his hands through my damp hair, kissing my neck and biting down just enough to make me moan softly. 

"Fuck, you sound so good," he moans against my chest, holding me tightly. 

"I-I need to get dressed," I pant, trying to ignore the fact that Lance is dangerously close to my dick. 

"Can I watch?" he asks, head cocked to side, licking his lips.

"No! Now get _out_!" I yell as I throw my sweaty shirt at him.

Lance shrieks and runs out the door.

"Hunk! Keith gave me his cooties!" 

I hear Hunk laughing all the way from inside my room. 

I smile, touching the hickey on my neck fondly.

 _I am so fucked_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TBH Keith and Pidge are best friends for life and no one can convince me otherwise


	6. Everything Comes Back to You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Over and over the only truth  
> Everything comes back to you
> 
> \- "This Town" Niall Horan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this chapter while listening to "This Town" by Niall Horan on repeat. Oops.
> 
> Oh man. This chapter was like. Hard to write. I like the ending though, I hope you guys do too.

I wake up to gentle knocking on my door. 

Lance is haphazardly laying across my chest, head on my stomach and hands loosely gripping onto my baggy black shirt. The knocking gets a bit louder, and then impatient. I groan and wiggle out from underneath Lance, trying my hardest not wake him. When he grips my shirt tightly and frowns in his sleep, I try to ignore the way my chest aches, how my lungs don't quite work the way they should for a second. Gently, I pry his dark fingers off of my shirt.

Yawning, I open the door and rub my eyes. Eyes still closed, I rest my head against the doorframe.

"Yeah? What's...what's goin' on?" I slur.

I hear a deep chuckle, and open my eyes. Shiro is standing in front of me, paladin armor already on, helmet in his large hands. I freeze.

"Shiro." I blurt out panickedly.

He smiles. "Relax, Keith. Nothing's wrong, Allura and I were sparring earlier this morning." 

"Allura? Just you two?" I say slyly.

Shiro blushed and fidgets with his helmet. 

"It's-we just-yeah. She needs to train too, you know. Allura's a strong fighter. She's pretty impressive." He smiles and looks away, down the hall, cheeks pink and bashful.

"Anyway! I came here to tell you that we got a distress signal from a nearby planet. Allura wanted me to tell you guys to come to the control room, Hunk and Pidge are already awake and up there. I'm assuming...Lance is in there?" Shiro says with a smile.

I gape like a fish out of water, and then cross my arms. 

"Yeah. He is. I-um. That's okay?" I stare at my socked feet and blush.

Shiro coughs, then clears his throat.

"It's more than okay, Keith. You two work well together, I'm happy that you have something good to hold onto. You make him happy. It's not the easiest thing in the world, being a paladin. But you two, I don't know. He doesn't look homesick anymore. You don't look so lonely. I just, I hope that you two protect each other." Shiro says softly.

"I'd give my life for him." 

I cover my mouth, shocked, because that's _not_ what I meant to say, it's _not_ what I was supposed to say, but it's too late. I said it. I'm in so deep, and part of me is comfortable with that. 

Shiro smiles brightly down at me.

"Go wake up His Majesty, and meet us in the control room, okay kid?" 

He turns and walks away, leaving me in the hall, still shell shocked with what I had admitted.

 _I'd die for him_.

Would I really do that? I...I think so. Because if I'm being honest, Lance makes this, so much better. I know it's only been two years, that we've known each other. I don't think I could imagine life without Lance. 

It would be like Earth, without any rain.

 

\--&\--

 

"So how far away is this planet, Allura?" Lance asks, one hand on his hip, the other hand in my own.

Allura looks at Coran, who smiles nervously. 

"The planet is roughly two days distance from where we are now, Lance."

Lance pulls his hand away from mine and god, I see it, he's already shutting down, because he's afraid.

"Do we know if the Galra Empire is involved at all?" Shiro asks her.

"I suspect so, but we shouldn't rule out any other possibilities. It could just be an environmental crisis, or it could be-"

Lance scoffs, cutting Allura off.

"Don't sugar coat it, we're facing off against the Galra again, and you know it. We all know it." He spits out angrily.

"Lance! That's quite enough!" Shiro barks.

Hunk and Pidge frown, exchanging sympathetic looks.

"Lance, just calm down, we don't even know the situation yet." I tell him, reaching for his hand nervously.

"No! We do, we have for the past two fuckin' years! We've been killing the Galra for two years! We know the situation, Keith- _fuck_ , don't touch me." He hisses, as he storms out of the room.

The silence is overwhelming, it's emptiness is buzzing loudly in my ears.

"Keith?" Hunk asks softly.

"What." I grit out.

"You're...um. You're crying." He says sheepishly.

I wipe at my eyes and sure enough, tears glitter on my fingers like dewdrops. 

I stare at my hands, and no one says anything.

"We're going to this planet. We have to help. It's not up for debate." I say to Allura, and she nods.

Shiro lays a hand on my shoulder, squeezing softly, and I shrink away from his touch, cringing.

"It'll be fine, Keith. I promise." 

I find myself shaking, and I walk out the door.

"Don't make promises you can't keep." I call out behind my shoulder.

 

\--&\--

I throw open my bedroom door, and Lance is there in my bed, of course he's here, this is our space, it's safe. He feels comfortable here.

Lance is wrapped in damn near all the blankets on my bed, and he looks like a tall, grumpy baby.

"I'm not apologizing." 

I blink rather stupidly. 

"I'm not expecting you to." I say softly.

He takes a deep breath.

"I meant to Allura. I'm sorry for lashing out at you. I know you were just trying to help. I fucked up. I know that."

Lance sighs and looks over to me.

"I'm scared."

He looks so small, and fragile. One boy in my bed with the weight of the universe on his shoulders, and it's on mine, too, but I can see that this is going to kill him some day.

I walk over to the bed, to our bed, and crawl in, pulling my blue burrito boy towards me, until I'm resting my chin on his head. 

"I know. I-I am too. We have a responsibility, though." I say lamely. 

Lance laughs. 

"That's what Shiro says. Do you think...that he gets scared too?" He asks nervously. 

I hold him closer, and his hand finds mine, intertwining our fingers and clinging tightly. 

"I'm sure he does. We all get scared, Lance. It's just, with-with you. By my side. I think...I'd have less reason to be afraid." 

He turns his head to look at me, smiling and eyes bright and god, so fucking blue. 

"I think I understand that." 

Lance pushes us both back, so we're laying down on the bed, looking up at the ceiling. The glow in the dark stars that Lance got from god knows where, are shining weakly on the ceiling. Our ceiling. 

"Hey, Keith." 

"Yeah?" I ask. 

Lance squints at the wall and points at a paper tacked up on it. 

"Is that...a drawing of Mothman? With pink hearts on it?" 

"I swear to god, Lance. I will stick you in a wormhole if you say one more word." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meithman 5ever


	7. Do You Think About Me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I said “I will be alright.”  
> You said “Will you be alright?”  
> I was selfish.
> 
> \- "Think About You" Jun K

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this while listening to "Think About You" by Jun K. on a loop because he's a literal angel and idk.
> 
> I bet Keith likes K Pop.
> 
> Anyway. Take this, enjoy, I've got biiiig plans for next time, so get ready!
> 
> **Note: I've updated this chapter to include the gorgeous commission from the talented [istehlurvz](http://istehlurvz.tumblr.com) that I've embedded so you can stare at it for 6 hours like I have already

_He looks at me, blue eyes wide with fear and something colder than I’ve ever seen before. It's foreign, and it burns the breath out of my lungs._

_“You're a monster, Keith.”_

_Lance scowls, and he lifts up his arm. Gripping his bayard, he points the blaster directly at my face._

_“No. This isn't happening, this isn't real, I'm not a monster.”_

_I’m trembling with fear, backing away from the man that I love._

_He laughs, and even with a deadly weapon shoved in my face, he’s beautiful._

_“You're a monster, Keith. You killed everyone, and now, I'm going to kill you. Before you kill me.”_

_Lance shoots me a glare, and shoves the gun up to my temple. He pushes me down, and I sink to my knees, staring at the floor._

_It's covered in blood._

_“You killed them. Shiro, Pidge, Hunk. You killed Allura and Coran. You were never fit to be a paladin.” Lance spits the words out like poison, and I feel each syllable pierce my heart like a steel dagger._

_“No. I wouldn't-I can't-”_

_A choking sob spills out from my throat, drowning any other words out before I even have the chance to form them._

_He cups my face with his free hand, and lifts my face gingerly up towards his. His eyes are as cold and empty as that Black Hole, the one we saw a couple of months ago, the one that ripped that planet apart._

_The one we couldn't save._

_“You're a monster. You killed them. And you'll kill me, too, if I let you. But I won't give you that chance.” Lance whispers, as he runs his hand up to my...ears?_

_I held my hands out in front of my face, not knowing what to expect._

_Purple hands, feline, with sharp black claws protruding from my fingertips. There is congealed blood matted onto my furry hands. I've seen hands like these, for two years._

_Galra._

_“Oh-oh my god, I can't. No. No, Lance-”_

_Panic floods my veins, raging fires in my body. It tastes like acid on my tongue. My eyes, no doubt that disgusting yellow, are wide, and the fear is absolutely blinding._

_I feel the tears streaming down my face, and Lance just frowns down at me._

_He pushes the blaster further into my temple, I feel the cool pressure of the barrel kissing my forehead._

_“I have to do this, Keith.”_

_“No! Plea-”_

_The sound of the blast is thunderously loud_.

 

\--&\--

 

Shaking.

My entire body is shaking, I can't breathe and fuck _oh my god_ I'm dead I'm fucking dying.

“Keith!” 

I panic when I feel a warm pair of arms surround me, making me kick and thrash around like mad.

“Let me go! Let go of me!” I screech, and I feel hot tears sliding down my cheeks.

“You need to calm down, Keith, please, I don't know what to do. I'm really-I'm really scared. You're scaring me.” 

I feel the arms tremble, but they don't let go, despite my attempt to get away.

Instead, they hold onto me even tighter.

I gasp loudly, my lungs aching. Trying to slow down the maelstrom of thoughts in my head, so I can figure out where I am.

I see green glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling, and I feel my legs twisted in sheets and blankets.

It's my room, and the only other person it could be is-

Lance.

“Lance, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, please, you have to believe me. I didn't kill them, I didn't, I would never kill them.” I sob loudly, covering my face because fuck, I'm a wreck, and I'm embarrassed to be so vulnerable.

He's still shaking, but he cups my face and runs a thumb across my cheekbone. Lance looks afraid. He takes a deep breath, and I feel him exhale against my lips.

“It was just a nightmare.” 

He says it so earnestly, so forcefully, that he's convinced me that it's true.

“You don't have to...tell me. I know. I have them too. Just. Please. Believe me, when I tell you that I trust you. Keith, you're amazing. You have a strong sense of leadership, you always know what to do. You have shitty taste in haircuts, but you're a good guy. You belong here, with us.” Lance says, smiling at me, eyes dewy and bright.

He buries his face into the crook of my neck.

I can feel my heart slowing down, but concern is still clawing at my brain. Why would I dream about that? Why would I dream about turning into a Galra and slaughtering my team?

We're a family.

I'd never hurt them. _Never_. Voltron is all I have. 

“Do you wanna try and sleep some more, Mullet?” Lance asks softly.

“Yeah.” I mumble.

He wraps his arms around me, pulling me into his chest. Lance kisses my neck, my back, he nips at my shoulder. I shudder and can't help but to smile.

Just a bad dream, it doesn't mean anything, right?

 

\--&\--

 

Breakfast is awkward and tense. No one seems to know what to say or do, because of Lance’s extreme reaction yesterday. He knows we're going to go and help this planet, but he's not happy about it. He's still afraid. I'm not sure if it's of the Galra, or if he's afraid of himself.

I think...it's a bit of both.

Pidge pushes their goo around their plate, a nervous look on their young face. Hunk tells jokes, trying to lift everyone's mood, but he only succeeds in earning half-hearted smiles.

“We should arrive at the planet by midday, tomorrow. Be prepared for battle. We can't risk any losses, paladins. I'm sure we'll do exceptionally well, as usual. Coran has pinpointed the location of a Galra base on the planet. Since it's such a small planet, there's only one base. It should be relatively simple, right, Coran?” Allura says cheerfully. 

Coran nods enthusiastically. 

“We’ll have this planet freed before you can say ‘quiznak’!” 

Pidge groans and Hunk laughs nervously, eyeing Lance, who hasn't said a word to Shiro or Allura at all today. 

Shiro forces a smile.  
“It'll be fine, right, team? We've faced much worse, with more at stake. We’ll do great!” 

Lance grips my hand underneath the table, a little tighter in annoyance.

“Oh, for sure, I mean. This is, like, elementary. We just form Voltron, and BAM. Planet free of the Galra menace. Piece of cake. Especially since they won't be expecting us!” Hunk exclaims.

Lance pulls his hand from mine suddenly.

“I'm going to the training deck, if you need me.” 

Shiro clears his throat.

“You didn't even eat, Lance.” 

The darker boy huffs and gets up from the table.

“I'm not hungry.” 

I find myself biting my lip nervously.

Shiro narrows his eyes and stares at Lance.

“Well, I think you should eat. We have a big day tomorrow. You need all the energy you can get.” He says, with a bite in his words.

“I said, I'm _not_ hungry.”

I find myself flinching at the venom in his voice.

Lance balls his hands into fists, and walks out the door.

I feel the claws in my chest squeeze tightly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *blows kisses from the Klance Dumpster*
> 
> Lmao it's like one in the morning but that's okay :')


	8. One For the Road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I knew you wouldn't fold  
> I saw this coming from the start  
> The shake, rattle and roll
> 
> \- "One For the Road" Arctic Monkeys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas guys.
> 
> I hope y'all enjoy this chapter I cried the entire fucking time I wrote it.
> 
> Haha I'm so tired :')

“I don't want to do this.”

I look up sharply at Lance, frowning. His hands are shaking, as he pulls his armor on over his black bodysuit. His fingers tremble, like that injured little bluebird one of my old foster families took in. I remember how I felt bad for the little bird. Pitied it, but I don't pity Lance, I just want to help him. I want to to help him find his strength again. Fear is a cage, and I don't him living in it anymore.

I try to think of something to say, but I can’t think of anything that would actually be helpful. I snake my arms around his waist instead, pulling him into me tightly. The warmth of his back, without his chest plates on calms me, grounds me. I hope fervently that he can feel my heartbeat. Maybe I don't _need_ to say anything. Maybe this is enough, to let him know that I believe in him, more than I have ever believed in myself.

Lance sniffs, and stands there, not saying a word. It's just him and I, bathing in silence. The air is heavy with unspoken words. I feel him pull away, reaching for his chest plates. Deftly taking them out of his hands, I finish putting his armor on for him.

“Keith, believe it or not, I'm a big boy. I can dress myself.”

He looks at me with a gleam in his eye, but I can see the worry there, even though he's done a good job of trying to hide it. I smile fondly at him.

“It's nice to have someone take care of you, though, right?” I mumble, looking down and grabbing my helmet off of my bed. 

There's a long pause, all empty air and pregnant possibility.

“It is.”

He says it so softly, I almost don't hear him. Lance takes my helmet from me, and kisses me slowly, tipping my chin up with his free hand for better access. 

_Safe_.

He smiles at me, all shining teeth and sincerity. His blue eyes are alight with an emotion I can't quite place, but I feel it burn into my entire body. Lance kisses my helmet, then puts it on my head. I'm blushing furiously, and I feel my palms start to sweat, because we only have a couple minutes before we need to leave for our lions.

“I need-Lance, if something hap-” 

He takes my hand, and all my words die in my throat.

“Don't. Please.” The darker boy looks at me with a pained expression.

I smile sadly, then grin.

“Last one to their lion is Zarkon’s dirty underwear!” I shout, and the smile that lights up his face is _so_ worth it.

“You're so gross!”

We shove at each other to get out of the door first, laughing so hard our chests ache. 

They ache for a better reason than before though, so I guess I can't really complain.

 

\--&\--

 

 _Focus_.

“I am, Red.” I huff, gripping the controls tightly, my knuckles turning white.

_Pay attention. What if there's an enemy ship? ___

“Oh, for the love of Earth, please, stop nagging at me. I've got this. It's a routine mission. It's gonna be fine.”

I can feel Red grumbling at me. She means well, but after the two of us being together for so long, she's taken on the role of being the mom that I never had.

Which includes all the fucking nagging that I missed out on while on Earth.

“How's your side looking?” Shiro asks through the headset in my helmet.

I roll my eyes, sighing, and trying not to sound as agitated as I am.

_If you're so sure things will be fine, then why are you so nervous?_

I falter, loosening my grip on Red’s controls and my chest feels tight. She's so perceptive, which is both a blessing and a curse. Red’s right, though.

“It's clear.” I say, as I try to regroup my thoughts.

 _Focus_.

“Woah, guys, this planet looks so pretty! I think all of those blue patches are oceans or something!” Hunk squeals.

Pidge laughs, cackling loudly. 

“Hey, maybe Keith can take a dip, or something. He's been looking kinda _thirsty_ lately.” they say, laughing gleefully.

Shiro groans loudly.

“Really?” he says, exasperatedly.

“I don't know, Shiro, I think Pidge has a point.” Lance says, and god, I can hear the smirk in his voice.

“What the fuck ever. Let's just get this mission done.” I pout, and Hunk and Pidge laugh like the gremlins they are.

 

\--&\--

 

“Allura has confirmed that the threat isn't land bound. Her scans have picked up two Galra battleships. So that's our target. Focus, and let's look out for each other. Okay, team?”

“Yes, Dad.” we chime in unison.

“I told you guys to stop calling me that!” Shiro yells.

Hunk and Lance laugh over the headsets in the helmets, and I smile.

“Hey. I see something. I'm gonna go check it out.” Lance says, a fire in his voice I haven't heard since before we freed Phüree.

“I don't know about-”

Lance huffs and cuts Shiro off.

“Pffft I’ll be fine. Just trust me.” he says, and there's an air of decisiveness in his voice that gives me goosebumps. 

“Okay, just be careful. If you think something's going to go wrong, get out of there, yeah?” Shiro asks.

Lance laughs, and it's a breathless sound.

“I got this. You ladies sit back and watch how it's done.” he says playfully.

I smile, because it's been so long since Lance has wanted to be so actively engaged in fighting. He used to be so spirited and full of fire, he's a strong pilot and he's smart. Maybe this is what he needs to get back to where he used to be. I notice a Galra ship off to my left, and I have it locked in my sights.

“Pidge, nine o'clock, you got my back? I think we can clear this ship if Shiro and Hunk watch our backs, and keep an eye out for their friend.” I say, putting the Galra ship in my line of fire. 

“Got it. Shiro, Hunk, you game? We’ll get this planet clear in a couple of ticks if this works.” they state, soaring over to my right.

“Let's do this!” Hunk yells.

“Alright team, we've got this. Stay level-headed.” Shiro says, ever the voice of reason.

I feel Red, alight with nervous energy, but I brush it off as maternal anxiety. I need to focus. 

“Pidge, I'm gonna fire my blasters and aim for the front of the ship. You sneak around back while I distract them and take out the engine.”

“Got it. On three?” Pidge asks.

I grunt in reply, aiming for the head of the ship.

 _One. Two. Three_.

I fire away, and the explosion from the blasts rip the ship apart from the front. I take the cannons off the sides of the ship before they can start to shoot at me.

A flash of bright light from the rear of the Galra ship almost blinds me, and the echoing boom shakes the remains of the ship. Debris floats all around, kind of like snowflakes used to fall down to the ground on Earth. The wreckage is suspended in space, like a picture. Part of me finds it beautiful.

“That was awesome!” Hunk squeals.

“Good work, Pidge.” I say, smiling and flying around to them.

“Ha! That was nothing, those overgrown fleabags are no match for _us!”_ they say gleefully.

“Good call, Keith. Now we just need to take out their friend. I've spotted it on my radar, Hunk, you see it? On my command, you blindside them, and I'll fire.” Shiro says.

“Do you think...there's any prisoners on that ship?” Pidge says quietly.

“Allura told me the scans she got showed only drones, and battle equipment. So no, not this time. I...maybe next time. If we come across a ship with prisoners, you know we won't blast it. I promise.” Shiro replies.

“Yeah.” Pidge deflates over the headset.

“We _will_ find them. Don't you ever think otherwise.” Shiro says forcefully.

I can feel Red’s nervous energy, bristling through me, more intensely than before.

“Hey, girl, it's fine.” I tell her, patting the controls and trying to will some calm into her.

“Ready?” Shiro asks.

“Yup!” Hunk says, zooming off in front of me.

“Go!” 

The light of the blasters illuminates space, and if there was any sound out here, my eardrums would probably be bleeding. The yellow lion almost ripped the ship in half from the force of the blow, and Shiro has blown the rest of the ship into smithereens. Little pieces of metal float like snow.

A crippling wave of anxiety that isn't my own hits me like a train.

“Oh my god, that was perfect!” Hunk says, regrouping with Pidge, Shiro, and I.

_Where is he?_

Red’s question feels like a bucket of ice water dumped down my back. I gasp loudly and taste bile on my tongue.

My blood freezes in my veins.

“Lance!” 

Silence.

“Lance, c’mon, say something!” I shout, flying off to my left, circling the area and looking for a sign of the blue lion.

“Fuck, fuck. _Fuck!”_ I growl loudly.

“Do you guys see that?” Pidge asks, voice filled with anxiety.

A huge, looming Galra ship is zooming ahead, closing in on a wormhole. The tractor beam in the front of the ship has Blue. Of course there was a third ship. There was a third ship, and none of us noticed, we fell for their bait, and now Lance is paying the price.

“Lance! Lance, you fucking idiot! Answer me!” I scream, my arms shaking and barely able to fly Red.

 _You didn't focus on what was important_.

“I know that, Red! I know that now!” I yell frantically, my eyes filling with tears.

“Shiro, can we get there in time? We need to get Lance! We can't let him get captured!” I screech into the headset, fumbling with the control board.

 _It should have been me, god, anyone but him_.

“We have to try. We can't let them have Lance or Blue!” Shiro says.

“Oh man. Oh man, this is so bad. I think I'm gonna puke.” Hunk says, flying towards the wormhole along with the rest of us.

We're fast, speeding past debris and stars.

But the Galra ship is faster, zipping into the wormhole just before I can fly Red into it.

The wormhole vaporizes right in front of me.

 _Gone_.

“No!” I yell angrily, hitting the control panel.

 _You didn't focus, Paladin_.

“I'm sorry. I...don't know what we should do. We need to find Lance. I think we should fly back to the castle. We need Allura’s help.” Shiro’s voice cracks halfway through, and my heart is beating way too quickly.

Panic is ripping my body apart, my lungs are too small, can’t contain my breath and my vision is blurring rapidly.

 _This is all my fault_.

“Keith? You need to focus.” Shiro says.

 _Focus_.

I take a deep breath, sputter, and start hyperventilating.

 _They have him. They have Lance. The fucking Galra have Lance_.

My brain plays this on a loop, while my consciousness fades in and out.

“Keith-” 

It sounds like Pidge, and damn, they sound scared, but everything is fuzzy and _fuck_. I hear screaming, and I can't tell if it's me or someone else. I can't breathe and everything hurts so badly.

 _He's gone. He's gone. They took him._.

I retch, and I can't find a fuck to give when Red growls at me for puking all over the cabin. The claws in my chest are boring holes into my heart. Everything is blue, I feel the ghosts of his lips on my own.

_Lance is sitting on my bed, knees drawn up to his chest. He looks so small. He sighs and looks over at me._

_He whispers, “I'm scared.”_

And then, all of a sudden, there's _nothing_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man.
> 
> Wow, so anyway, look who turned out to be Mx. Edgelord 3000.
> 
> I'm so excited about this plot though, like *shrieks loudly*


	9. Loving Someone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I never did understand – the duality of art and reality  
> Living life and treating it as such but with a certain disconnect
> 
> \- "Loving Someone" The 1975

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoo boy let me tell you, being a functional adult really gets in the way of writing fanfiction. Lmao so like I said before, big things are happening. Guess whatttttt?
> 
> The big things are here :')
> 
>  
> 
> [Scream with me here](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/apocolypticprince)

“I think he's awake.” 

Groaning, I rub at my eyes and slowly open them to find Pidge hovering right in front of my face, looking at me with an expression I've never been on the business end of before.

“Hey...I'm glad you're okay. We were all worried, you know, when you didn't come out of your lion,” they say.

“Huh?” 

Pidge frowns and looks away from me, their bottom lip quivering.

“You...don't you remember?” they say quietly, crossing their arms and shrinking in on themselves.

 _The third ship. We didn't make it in time_.

“Oh. Oh my-oh my god, he's gone. He's gone. He's really _gone_ ,” I choke out, gasping for air and reeling against the couch.

Pidge comes over and sits next to me, latching onto me in the biggest hug, trying desperately to keep me from falling to even smaller pieces.

“He's, he’s all by himself. Lance is all alone. He's gone and it's all my _fucking_ fault!” I snarl, balling my hands into fists.

Pidge hugs me tighter.

“Don't you dare blame yourself. This...this is on all of us, Keith. We were so caught up in the fight we didn't--didn't think to keep tabs on him,” Pidge says shakily, arms quivering around me. 

I stay still, seething in anger, and body aching with something that hurts so much more than battle wounds.

“Hey.” 

I look up, and see Shiro, standing in the doorway of our makeshift living room. He looks broken, shoulders sagging, and his eyes are tinged red.

I feel my throat close, and gently pry myself out of Pidge’s grasp. They don't fight it, retracting their arms and getting up from the couch.

“I'm gonna go check on Hunk. He's been in his room ever since we got back,” they announce.

 _Oh god, I'm so selfish. This isn't about me, it's about all of us. Lance is Hunk’s best friend, he’s everyone's teammate. We can't even form Voltron without him_. 

I nod and bring my knees up into my chest, closing myself off.

“Keith,” Shiro says, and christ, he sounds exhausted. Fragile.

I look at him and the lump in my throat grows bigger.

“Yeah?” I croak.

“Allura’s doing everything she can to find the ship. Coran, too, and Pidge, they're so smart, we’ll find him. We will find him, do you understand me?” Shiro says, bringing a hand to my shoulder and squeezing reassuringly. 

I open my mouth to speak, but no words come out. I feel the tears streaming out of my eyes, and down my cheeks.

“Wh-what if, we don't-”

Shiro deflates visibly and takes my hand in his.

“We will find Lance. I made a mistake, as leader. I shouldn't have let him go off by himself...not after what happened on Phüree. But I did. So I'm accepting the blame and the--the consequences,” Shiro says, voice gravelly and starting to break.

“I'm not mad at you,” I say, trying to pull myself together, wiping my eyes and trying hard not to cry again at the sight of Shiro.

He looks at me, visibly upset.

“You should be.”

“No!” I growl, “Shiro, this isn't any one person's fault. We should be focusing on finding Lance, not playing at being the fucking martyr,” I spit out.

Shiro frowns and rubs at his eyes, looking young for a moment, like a small, lost child.

“I just. I don't know what to do. I'm supposed to know. But I don't. I'm sorry, Keith, I'm so sorry,” he says, looking down at the floor.

“Stop apologizing. I'm gonna go find Allura and Coran and see if they've found anything,” I say softly.

I get up, leaving Shiro alone. I find myself stopping before I leave the room, turning around to look at him.

“You did...what you thought was right,” I say turning back around.

As the door slides shut, I hear him cry.

 

\--&\--

 

The maps in front of me are utterly useless.

“The scans haven't picked up anything yet. Luckily, your lion copied the the third ships communication signature, so we should be able to find it. The only problem is that we have...no idea where to start looking. Coran and I have looked at everything within 500,000 miles radius of the Castle. We haven't-” Allura covers her mouth, eyes glittering.

She takes a deep breath.

“We haven't found anything yet,” she says shakily, voice cracking.

I hear her words, but they don't really register. I stare down at my hands.

“Haven't found anything yet,” I repeat softly, closing my hands into fists.

Allura cries a little bit harder, “I'm so s-sorry, Keith, I know h-how important he is to you,” she sobs into her hands.

“Not your fault,” I grit out, feeling the hot flash of anger flooding my veins. 

“I'm gonna go train, let me know if you find anything,” I say, my voice flat.

 

\--&\--

 

I run my sword through the drones, slicing off metal appendages, knocking off pieces of them with my fists when it doesn't feel good enough to just cut them off. Stomping down viciously on a drone, I release all my rage into the piece of metal. I don't stop until all that's left is a hunk of twisted debris. Breathing heavily, I drop my bayard and sink to my knees.

My knuckles are bruised, some split open and bleeding profusely. I stare at them, and keel over on the floor, laying on my back and gasping for air. I'm covered in sweat and my own blood. My hair has fallen out the bun, tendrils of my bangs falling into my face. I close my eyes.

 _“I'm scared”, Lance whispered_.

My chest aches something fierce, and I feel my eyes well up with tears. I groan and cover my face with my hands, trying not to think about what could be happening to Lance. The Galra could be torturing him, or putting him into the arena, fucking with his head, giving him robotic limbs. 

_Maybe he's dead_.

No, I can't think like that. Lance isn't dead. He's not dead. He can't be dead.

Someone coughs loudly.

I turn my head towards the source of the sound, and blink stupidly.

“Hey,” Hunk says quietly, surveying the damage I've done to the training deck and the drones.

“I never. I don't know. I never thought this would happen. I'm not,” Hunks voice wavers. “I'm not sure how to deal with this,” he says wringing his hands together.

“I keep thinking about him, like, what if he's being tortured? Is he okay? Maybe he's escaped, somehow, with Blue. And he's on his way home. I don't know. I think that's the hardest part, not knowing. I've run out of things to fix on the Castle,” Hunk states, voice cracking and starting to cry.

I get up off the floor, moaning a bit because holy shit, I hurt everywhere. Scooting over to where Hunk is sitting on the floor, I push the decapitated drone away so I can get closer to him.

“You're right. That's the worst part. I'm so-so worried about him,” I say shakily.

Hunk sniffs, wiping at his eyes and smiling.

“He's probably worried about you too, you know,” he whispers.

I stay silent for a moment, trying to process what Hunk’s said.

“What do you mean?” I ask.

Hunk laughs weakly, and groans into his hands.

“Dude. Lance is in _love_ with you. It's pretty obvious, has been for like a freaking year. I thought you knew? I mean, you guys are like, a thing now,” he says looking at me.

_He loves me?_

I gape at him, jaw open and my head shaking.

“No,” I say.

My body starts shaking, heart speeding up, slamming inside my chest. Can't breathe, everything is so bright. My head feels like it's stuffed with cotton.

“Keith, you need to breathe, man,” Hunk says calmly, taking my hands in his.

I shake my head faster, because no, no, this isn't happening. Lance is in love with me, and he's fucking _gone_.

“Look at me, we’re gonna find him. It's gonna be okay, dude. You know we won't rest until Lace is back,” Hunk says seriously.

“I'm gonna kill them,” I growl. “Whoever it is that took him, I'm going to fucking kill them,” I snarl, hot anger flooding my veins.

Hunk gapes at me.

“What?” I ask.

“Your-your eyes. They're yellow. And I'm pretty sure your ears shouldn't be all purple and furry?” Hunk says nervously.

My lungs seize up in shock, as I reach up to touch my ears. I feel soft, fine fur.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lmao I cried while HTMLing this


	10. Lost My Head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And you said I've lost my head  
> Can you see it, can you see it?
> 
> \- "Lost My Head" The 1975

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so !!! excited about where this story is heading y'all do not even know 
> 
> Come scream with me on [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/apocolypticprince) fam

Lance doesn't know how long he's been held prisoner. 

At first, he’d held fervent hopes that the other paladins would come and save him, because even though Lance was expendable...Blue wasn't. And Lance wasn't stupid. He’d known the risks, and he’d been ready to accept the consequences. 

Just...maybe if he’d known he'd be waiting _this_ long, he'd probably reconsider.

The cold, damp metal floor bites at Lance’s exposed skin, right through the filthy purple leotard he was made to wear. He shakes, huddled up in the corner, knees drawn up to his chest, and tries to ignore the gashes on his body, and the countless bruises that shine like stars on his skin.

 _Purple and blue, purple and blue_.

It feels like weeks--no, months even, since he's seen Keith. Lance had decided that on the first night he had spent in the cell, when he was bleeding freely and screaming, that he misses him the most...but this time, there’s no one to hold him. He’s alone.

Lance was never used to being alone, even back on Earth. His brothers and sisters, cousins, aunts and uncles, everyone, always seemed to be around. His family's home was the epicenter of his universe back then. And at the Garrison, well, there was Hunk, who saw right through Lance’s homesick “I'm fine's", and Pidge, with their terrible jokes and alien conspiracy theories. Even at the Castle, Lance was never really alone. There was Shiro, Allura, Coran, and Keith, too. 

He _misses_ Keith.

Lance stares up at the ceiling of his dark cell, imagining that there are glow-in-the-dark stars up there, the ones that Keith had helped him to put up. 

The cuts and burns on his arms ache, and Lance grits his teeth and closes his eyes. Sendak doesn't usually come down to see Lance. It's usually a Galra soldier, with a laser gun, or a spear sometimes. He’ll stand there and talk about how they've already killed the rest of Voltron, but Lance knows that's a lie. 

He did hear Keith screaming for him in his helmet’s comm, after all.

Lance leans against the frigid wall, and falls into a restless sleep. He dreams of yellow eyes and sharp teeth.

\--&\--

“Rise, scum.”

Lance groans and opens his eyes, raising a hand to block out the blinding light coming in from the open cell door.

Sendak is standing in the doorway, looking down at Lance like he's nothing but dirt on the bottom his boots.

Lance shakily gets up off the floor, body still sore and screaming from the last time Sendak came for him. He stands in the corner, trembling.

“Come, Paladin. Zarkon wishes to see you,” Sendak said smiling rather unpleasantly.

Lance feels his stomach churn and his chest tighten. Lance believes that this must be it, this is when he dies, right? All alone, on a Galra warship. And no one will ever know. Oh god, his poor mother, his mother will _never_ know what happened to her son. Lance wishes that he could have said goodbye, could have walked barefoot along the beaches of Varadero one last time. 

His heart twinges painfully.

What about Keith, though? Keith probably blames himself, the dumb fucker. Lance knows because Keith always blames himself, he holds the guilt tightly to his heart, letting it eat away at him. He hopes Allura can somehow find a way to rescue Blue, at least. She doesn't deserve to rot here, or to be taken apart by the Galra. Maybe…they can find a new Blue Paladin, too. And continue to save the universe.

Sendak shoves Lance, breaking him out of his daze. 

“He will see you now,” Sendak says, opening the door and pushing Lance through the frame. The door panel slides shut. 

Standing at the other end of the room, looking out of the ship's window, is Zarkon. He sniffs the air, then turns to face Lance. He smiles, and Lance feels his heart skip a beat.

“My most sincere apologies, Blue Paladin. I did not mean to keep you waiting for so long, but I had other matters to attend to. I do hope you have enjoyed our...hospitality?” Zarkon says with a grisly smirk, striding over to Lance.

He raises his hand, and sends Lance flying across the other end of the room, where the window is. Lance hits the wall with a dull thud, and lays motionless at the floor. His head is spinning, and _oh god _he feels like he might puke, but his body is far too weak to vomit right now.__

“Are you having fun yet? I know that I am, Paladin of Voltron.” 

Lance feels his body being lifted again, and this time he's pinned against the wall. Zarkon laughs, and comes over to Lance, gripping the young man’s face in one hand. 

“I know. Let's play a little game,” Zarkon says as he put a palm on Lance’s forehead.

 _Keith_.

_Lance tastes Keith on his tongue, feels Keith warm on his back, in his bed. The glow-in-the-dark stars. Keith laughing, shoving him away playfully and then pulling Lance in for a kiss. Keith scowling when Lance picked fights. Keith, in nothing but a towel, Lance’s hands on his hips. Keith trying to say goodbye. Keith, screaming-_

Lance screams loudly, in pain, as Zarkon digs through his head, looking at Lance’s memories. He can feel the tears streaming down his face.

“P-please! Stop, please, stop!” Lance shrieks.

Zarkon only laughs and pushes down on Lance harder.

 _Lance’s mother, looking up at him with disgust written all over her face. “No son of mine is a murderer. Get out of my sight,” she spits_.

 _Keith, kissing some alien. Shiro, laughing and pointing at Lance as he cries on the floor_.

 _"What a loser! We're so much better off with Lance gone!” Shiro says, laughing and hooking an arm around Hunk_.

 _Blue, ripped apart and destroyed_.

_Keith, cupping Lance’s face and whispering, “I could never love you, you're too weak.”_

Lance thrashed against the wall, screaming loudly and sobbing.

“No! No, it's not t-true!” he shouted, kicking at Zarkon.

Zarkon raised a fist, and brings it down swiftly, punching Lance in the jaw.

“For now, at least. I think I shall let Haggar see you now. She's been absolutely dying to try out her new spell. I think you'll...find it... _enlightening_ ,” Zarkon said with a smirk.

Zarkon waves his hand and Lance falls abruptly to the ground, blacking out instantly.

 

\--&\--

 

The light that emanates from Haggar’s hands is bright. It illuminates the dark room and makes Lance’s eyes ache. 

“Let's see...ah, here it is. Interesting. I never would have thought…how about I change things up here? How does that sound, Paladin?” Haggar says, cupping Lance’s cheek and smiling savagely.

“Fuck you,” Lance growls, trying to pull away from her touch.

Haggar laughs, and chants something utterly foreign to his ears, words Lance has no way of understanding. The fear he feels rising rapidly in his heart and his gut makes him nauseous.

Everything is all too bright for a single, hellish moment, and then, darkness.

 

\--&\--

 

Lance wakes up back in his cell. He doesn't know how he got here, and that terrifies him. His entire body and head ache, and his mind feels strangely empty. He feels a familiar sense of longing, but for what? His family? No, that's not it, there was someone else, someone with bright eyes and an even brighter smile. A voice that sounds like home, like Cuba. That voice--

 _Lance is on the ground, bleeding and coughing up blood. The room is spinning and he's disoriented, but a pair of violet eyes catch his attention_.

 _Keith_.

 _"Do you give up, yet?” he asks_.

 _Lance tries to get up, head throbbing and his hands and chest covered in blood. It's warm, trickling out of a gash in his armor_.

 _Keith brings his bayard down, swinging hard and thrusts it into Lance’s shoulder_.

 _He screams, tears falling from his face, and shakes violently_.

 _“Stop! Please, stop. Why are you doing this, Keith?” Lance shrieks_.

 _Keith laughs bitterly, and it makes Lance’s blood boil with a familiar feeling_.

 _Hate_.

 _"Because you're weak. You got Shiro killed. He was my hero, you piece of shit, and you let him die. Now, you're paying your dues, just like your family did. You took my family, so I took yours. Isn't that poetic, Lance? Seems fair, right?” Keith says angrily, kicking Lance in the side and making him gasp loudly_.

 _Hate_.

 _He hates Keith, damn it. Lance wants him dead_.

 

\--&\--

 

Lance balls his fists at the memory that feels almost too vivid to really be real. 

Keith.

Lance’s heart swells with fiery emotion, as he vows to kill that bastard when he gets the hell out of here, wherever _here_ is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cri ever tim
> 
>  
> 
> Fun Fact: I'm actually an English Major. I know. I'm disappointed too. :')


	11. Oxytocin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So apart when we're together  
> From the heart of your forever
> 
> \- "Oxytocin" gnash

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Season 2 saved my soul, watered my crops, cleared my acne

Allura reaches a hand out, and gently touches my velveteen purple ears, as I hang my head down in shame.

“I don't--I don't understand how this is happening. I lived on Earth my whole life, I don't understand--It doesn't make any sense,” I say, tasting the panic in my words.

Pidge takes my arm in their hand, and whips out a syringe.

“Will you let me have a blood sample so I can run some tests?” they ask, looking up into my still-yellow eyes.

I nod silently, and the pinprick of the needle doesn't bother me nearly as much as the fact that apparently I'm some sort of Galra freakazoid. When we’d all gathered together, once Hunk told Allura the news of my condition, Shiro had taken one look at me before his face went deathly white, and I saw the way his eyes widened in fear and shock. 

Shiro then bolted out of the room, and I haven't seen him since.

I'm a _monster_.

That much is clear. I've turned into the very thing we’re fighting so hard against. It's a miracle the others haven't gotten rid of me. 

Pidge taps me on the nose, after handing the syringe to Allura, bringing me out of my thoughts.

“Hey. Look at me,” they say, touching my ear, rubbing a thumb across my left ear, smiling when it shakes at their touch.

“You're still Keith. It doesn't matter that you're an alien cat boy. You're still our emo mullet,” they say, hugging me and laughing when I start involuntarily purring.

“Oh man, that's so cute! I wonder if your internal physiology changed to allow that? Lance is going to love this, I can't wait until we find him!” they exclaim happily.

I feel my ears droop, and I look down at my boots.

“Yeah,” I say, blinking back tears.

Pidge frowns, looking over to the doorway where Allura is standing.

“I'm sorry, that was-I was being thoughtless,” they whisper.

“No. It's just. It's a lot to take in, right now. Lance gets captured, and now, this,” I say, crossing my arms and growling in my throat. 

“I know,” Pidge says, clapping me on the back and looking at Allura.

“So what are the results saying, Allura?” they ask, one hand propped up on their hip.

“Keith does have human DNA, but there are Galra genes present. It seems, that one of your parents was a Galra, Keith,” Allura says.

“But-wait, how is that even possible, I just don't understand!” I shout.

I snarl at the floor and ball my fists.

“I'll be in my room,” I say angrily, walking out of the room.

\--&\--

Days go by, and we don't find Lance. My eyes go back to violet, and my body loses its purple fur. Pidge pouts because they liked my ears.

Days turn into weeks.

My heart feels like it's rotting inside my ribcage. The pillows lose Lance’s scent. My temper gets worse, I snap at Shiro when he comes to apologize for freezing me out, when I first found out I was half-Galra. I train day and night, sometimes with Hunk, sometimes with Pidge, until my body screams at me to sleep. 

\--&\--

 

Hunk runs into my room, shaking me out of my daze. I blink and look up into his warm brown eyes, wide with excitement.

“Allura’s found him. We _found_ Lance, Keith. We found him,” Hunk says, hugging me tightly.

\--&\--

“So where is he, exactly?” I ask.

Allura points to the shimmering hologram, waving a hand until a flagged point appears.

“He’s all the way out here, in Sector T-9. I didn't expect for him to be out this far. Pidge helped me create a tracking signal that would pinpoint the blue lion’s location, as long as it wasn't destroyed. He's there, he's wherever the blue lion is. Zarkon can't do anything with the lion without Lance alive. The bond and the particle barrier wouldn't allow it, not after such a long time, with him as it’s paladin,” Allura says, giving me a hopeful look.

“How soon can we get there?” Shiro asks.

Coran studies the holo map for a minute or so, then coughs.

“With the Castle in hyperdrive, less than two days,” he states.

“Two days? What if Lance is already _dead_ by then?” I yell, nerves wracking my body.

Pidge holds a hand up in my direction.

“Keith, you need to calm down. Lance has been missing for over a month now. It's honestly a miracle we found him so quickly. It's a miracle at all the tracking signal we put out picked up his lion. We’ll get there as soon as possible. We’ve been lucky so far, without Lance we’re extremely vulnerable. We can't form Voltron. It's a godsend we haven't been ambushed by Zarkon. He’s alive. I promise,” they say, eyes glittering fiercely.

“This is going to be the longest two days of my life,” I groan loudly.

“Stop being so emo, Keith,” Pidge says, bending down to tinker with the control panel.

\--&\--

“Okay team, here's the plan. When we move in on the ship, Hunk is going to slam into the laser cannons and take those out. Pigde, you back him up by providing firepower. Give those bastards all you've got!” Shiro says.

“I'm gonna pulverize them!” Hunk yells.

“Hell yeah!” Pidge shouts.

Shiro smiles over the holo screen, and he points at me, a wicked grin on his face.

“Keith, while those two have Zarkon busy, we’re busting in. Lance is on the lower level,” he says, as a screen pops up, showing a scan of the ship. On the lowest level, there's a blue dot. On the other side of the ship, presumably the cargo deck, is a blue lion icon.

“Lance is on the other side of the ship, across from his lion. You get Lance, and I'll get Blue. Once Hunk has the cannons destroyed, he's going to blow a hole in the hull of the ship so we can bust the two of them out. Allura has a wormhole ready for us, so we can escape.”

“Got it,” I nod.

“Alright! Let's do this!” Shiro yells.

The ship that has Lance is huge, but I have faith in my team that we can rescue Lance. We can do this!

“Go!” 

On Shiro’s call, Hunk flies by, speeding past me wildly, and slamming into the laser cannons mounted on the top of the ship. Pidge fires rapidly, and space is illuminated, blasts from their lion rattle Red, as I swoop in next to Shiro by the hull. 

“We need to make this quick, Keith!” Shiro calls over the comm in my helmet.

I blast a hole into the bottom of the ship, so I can get inside. I run out of Red, jumping out her mouth into the ship. I pull up the scan on my visor, looking at the map Allura made for us.

Running down the hall, I spy Galra drones. Activating my bayard, I swing viciously, slicing the drones in half, and turning left into a dimly lit corridor. There's a large, metal door, and my scan of the map says Lance is in there.

I stop, gasping for breath, and steel my nerves for what's behind that door. 

“Lance? It's me, Keith. Hold on, I'm gonna get you out of here,” I shout, kicking at the door, snarling wildly in frustration. 

_Useless_.

I huff, and bring my sword down through the door, cutting a gash out.

Heart racing, I rush through the hole in the door.

He's backed up against the wall, blue eyes wide with...fear?

“Lance, Lance, oh my god, I'm so glad you're okay,” I choke out, tears welling up in my eyes as I step towards him.

“You bastard!” Lance screams, tackling me to the ground, pinning me down to the hard metal floor. 

My head spins, dizzy with pain.

“Lance, what are you do-” 

I don't get to finish my sentence, because Lance wraps his fingers around my throat, squeezing tightly, rage lighting up his eyes.

“I hate you. I hate you. I'm gonna fucking _kill_ you, Keith,” he growls into my ear.

I struggle, kicking and thrashing but he holds me down, laughing.

“You killed my family!” Lance shouts, face twisted in anger.

I choke, gasping for air, but he's so strong.

 _Blue_.

 _Everything is so blue_.

I rip a hand out of his grasp, grabbing at his hand, trying to pull him off me before I black out. Everything is so hazy already, and my heart hurts almost as much as my throat does, because fuck, they fucked with his head. Who knows what they did to him, what pain he went through.

Because we were _careless_.

“Lance,” I rasp.

He starts crying, and his grip loosens, but it's still there.

“You killed my family,” he sobs.

He looks so broken. My entire body aches, because I didn't think it'd be like this. I thought he'd be okay, I had hoped he'd be fine. He was supposed to run into my arms and I was supposed to kiss him breathless. 

“No,” I choke out.

“What do you mean, ‘no’, you fucker, I know you did, I have memories of you telling me you did, you're lying, Keith!” he shouts.

“You're wrong,” I say, choking on a sob.

Lance removes his hands from my neck, but keeps me pinned down.

“No! You killed them! It's all up here, Keith,” he says, tapping his forehead.

I shake my head, crying.

“I would never do that, Lance. You have to believe me, I don't-I don't know what they did to you, but it's _not_ true,” I say, tears streaming out of my eyes as I take his hand in mine.

It's cold.

I used to think that anything could be fixed. But maybe, I was wrong, because no matter how much you love someone, maybe there some things that not even the universe can fix for you. My heart stops at the thought that Lance’s memory may be one of them. 

_No more glow-in-the-dark stars_.

A loud clanging sound startles me out of my thoughts, and makes Lance flinch. I turn my head to see Shiro.

“What are you doing on the floor, we have to get out of here!” he says frantically.

“Get him away from me!” Lance shrieks, balling his hands into fists.

“Lance, what are you talking about?” Shiro says incredulously.

“GET HIM AWAY!” Lance screams.

“They fucked with his head, Shiro,” I say, voice gravelly. 

Shiro pales, but grabs Lance and throws him over his shoulder. 

“We have to get out of here, I cleared the hangar, but Pidge and Hunk can't hold off the Galra for long, We have to get back to our lions and go,” he says.

I nod, shakily getting off the floor, taking Shiro’s hand. 

“You're gonna give Shiro your fucking killer cooties, you piece of shit,” Lance snarls at me.

I gasp, my eyes filling with tears.

“Shut up,” I growl.

“We have to get back!” Shiro shouts, tugging me along.

We run wildly through the corridors, miraculously avoiding any Galra soldiers.

“Do you trust Lance to pilot Blue?” Shiro asks. 

“Yeah,” I say, staring down at my boots and trying to swallow the lump in my throat.

Lance flips me the bird, yells at me, telling me that my hair sucks ass, as he climbs into Blue. Shiro pats me on the back, “Allura will know what to do,” he says.

I growl, and look at the floor. I see yellow eyes staring back up at me, from the steel floor.

“I didn't, uh, want to say anything. It's probably just from stress,” Shiro supplies not so helpfully.

“Yeah. Let's hurry up,” I say darkly

Pidge and Hunk are already in their lions, and Shiro, Lance, and I follow them, speeding away from the ship and towards the wormhole.

I stop, and fall back.

I aim for the ship, and fire my blasters, screaming and cursing Zarkon’s name, as I sob, shooting at that godforsaken ship until it blows up. The light from the blast looks almost beautiful, but it does little to soothe the ache in my heart and the burning in my lungs.

“Keith,” Shiro says over the comm.

I hear Pidge and Hunk shouting happily at Lance, telling him how much they missed him, how happy they are he's back. That Voltron wouldn't be the same without him. Lance doesn't snap at them, but he makes dry remarks about me, and his words pierce my heart, making me feel reckless and empty.

“ _Keith_!” Shiro yells.

I don't care, I hope they've all died in the blast. They fucked with Lance. They made him hate me. They ruined everything. I taste the grief, on my tongue and feel it poisoning my body. I feel my ears go back, and my chest aches.

I fly back towards the others, ignoring the throbbing pain from my neck, trying to remember how it felt when Lance first kissed me, so long ago, instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just remember, things get worse before they get better.


	12. If We Go Down, We Go Down Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If we go down then we go down together  
> We'll get away with everything  
> Let's show them we are better
> 
> \- "Paris" The Chainsmokers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So anyway [this song](https://youtu.be/RhU9MZ98jxo) is amazing and Klance af and it gives me Big Emotions and you should give it a listen sometime *finger guns*
> 
> I hope y'all enjoy the chapter!

I forgot how fast Lance is.

His fist collides with my jaw, and the crack is audible throughout the hangar. My knees buckle, and I drop to the floor, feeling too much and nothing at all.

“Lance! What the _hell_ man?” Pidge shrieks, putting themselves between where I lay on the floor, and Lance, standing and breathing heavily, his fists clenched and shoulders tense.

“Pidge, the Galra messed with Lance’s memories,” Shiro says, and even in my daze, I can hear the hurt in his voice. The bone-numbing tiredness.

Hunk grabs Lance, holding his arms behind his back.

“What the fuck, Hunk? Let me go! Why are you doing this? He's the one who you should be manhandling! Not me! He _killed_ my family!” Lance shouts, his rage stinking up the room, I can smell it, and it makes me feel itchy and nauseous. 

Sprawled out on the floor, I gingerly touch my jaw, and moan loudly at the pain that shoots through my face and my head.

Lance is still yelling, but he sounds farther away.

“I'll kill him! He killed my family! Don't you remember, Shiro? I'm gonna kill him!” 

I shakily get in my hands and knees, vision blurring. The metallic taste in my mouth makes me gag, until I'm retching on the floor. 

Hands rub my back, someone says that it'll be okay.

But my heart feels like it's rotting inside of my body, my lungs feel so small, it's so bright in here, I can't breathe-

 _Blue eyes, looking into mine_.

 _“Promise you'll always come back to me. Do you promise?”_

_I find myself smiling at him, this bright and beautiful man, “Until the stars die out,” I say, handing him his helmet_.

\--&\--

All of a sudden, it's way too bright, my knees feel like rubber, and there's a hissing sound. I stumble out of the healing pod, and Hunk is there, to catch me by my shoulders.

“Wh-What happened?” I croak out, shivering and picking at my gloves.

Hunk frowns, looking down at me, into my eyes. 

“Lance...hurt you. You had a concussion, from him slugging you in the face. And-and there were bruises all along your neck. I'm so sorry, Keith,” Hunk whispers, pulling me into a tight hug. I allow myself to relax in his arms.

“Shiro told us what happened. Allura’s talking to Lance, trying to figure out what exactly the Galra did to him, to make him think that you killed his family. She thinks they altered his memory, planted fake ones over his existing memories of you. I guess...it could be worse, right? At least he knows who you are, right?” Hunk says with a smile, but his eyes look like broken glass, and his words sound like nicely-wrapped lies. 

“No,” I say roughly, pushing him away.

“No, this is the worst outcome, aside from him being dead. Lance hates me, dude, he tried to kill me like twice now. It would be better if they just made him forget me! At least...then it wouldn't hurt so much. I would have a chance, at least, to fix it,” I say loudly, balling my hands into fists, feeling my lip curl into a snarl. 

_Deep breaths_.

Hunk frowns, and nods, “Yeah, I mean, I just, I wanted to try and help you feel better, but I wasn't thinking, it was stupid of me to say that,” he says and turns to walk away.

“Don't you _ever_ say that, don't you _ever_ say that again,” I whisper, my eyes blinking back tears. “You're the best engineer I've ever met. And you're an amazing person, you're so smart, and you're so good to Lance, you're so good to him, and I-I just,” my voice breaks as I let out a sob.

He looks at me, brown eyes shining.

“You're not s-stupid, don't sell yourself short,” I choke out, wiping at my eyes.

Hunk envelopes me in another hug, both of us crying, and for a while we just stand there.

“I'm afraid, Keith,” he says quietly.

“Why?” I look up and he looks away from me.

“What if...Lance doesn't get better?” Hunk asks me, tugging on his headband like he always does, when he's worried.

My heart stops in my chest at the thought, and I have to convince my lungs to keep breathing for a few ticks.

“We figure it out, that's what happens.”

\--&\--

Lance is standing in front of the holo map with Coran. His hands still have Keith’s blood on them, it's caked underneath his nails, and Lance picks at it, frowning at the way it flakes off and falls to the floor.

“Lance,” Coran says sternly.

Lance looks up at Coran, and frowns. His brain feels like an overstuffed pillow, all cottony and confusing, like there's way too much in there. He has a headache.

“Yes?” he asks politely, brushing his bangs out of his face.

“Why do you hate Keith?” Coran asks, twirling at his moustache.

Lance opens his mouth to speak, but his thoughts are too slow.

_Why does he hate Keith?_

“He...killed my family, because I let Shiro die, but that doesn't make any sense, because. Because Shiro is alive, he saved me from that ship and from Keith,” Lance says, slowly, because he sees that there a few puzzle pieces in his brain that don't quite fit together, like he thought they did.

Coran nods, “Yes, you are correct. Shiro is alive, and you need to know that I'm not lying to you when I say this; Keith did _not_ kill your family,” he says, patting Lance’s shoulder.

Lance shakes his head, “No! Why is everyone lying to me? I saw him tell me, you tryin’ to tell me that didn't happen?” he says, crossing his arms.

“I'm saying that you were held captive by a horrible creature, who took something precious from you,” Coran says sadly, staring out of the clear panels in the room, looking far off into space.

“Something precious,” Lance repeats blandly.

“Yes. Your true memories,” Coran says, “Lance, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry,” he says, looking into Lance’s blue eyes.

“I feel so weird, I feel like my heads so full of...cotton. Some of my memories feel too sharp. And others, there's, like, empty spaces. It feels wrong,” Lance says, frowning and looking at his hands, watching Keith's blood flake off, as he fidgets with his hands.

“That's because somehow they altered your memories, Lance,” Coran says gently, smiling sadly at the young man.

 _Sometimes stars burn out, because they shine too brightly_.

“He...he really didn't kill my family, did he, Coran?” Lance asks, voice wavering.

“No.”

Lance laughs, and it's a frail, bitter sound.

“I feel like pieces of me are missing,” he announces.

\--&\--

“Does Lance know that Keith is part Galra?” Pidge asks, pushing up their glasses. Rover hovers around their shoulders.

Shiro is silent for a moment, “No. He doesn't. When I found those two...it felt like before. Like back when I was a prisoner. I wanted to run away. But I didn't, I had to face it--I had to face the reality, that Lance got taken, because of us. We can't be careless anymore, we can't afford it. Look at what they did to him, Pidge. Lance and Keith were becoming something a little bit more than teammates, and the Galra took that away from them. We almost lost a team member, we almost lost Voltron,” Shiro says, and his voice sounds just as tired as he is.

Pidge nods. “I can't even imagine what he went through,” they admit, bringing their knees up to their chest.

“I thought Lance was going to kill him, Pidge. I've seen the look in the eyes of someone who's not afraid to kill, back in that damned arena. I saw it in Lance’s eyes,” Shiro says softly.

“Do you think Lance will be okay?” Pidge asks. Rover hums quietly.

“I don't know. I don't know Pidge, but god, I hope so,” he says.

\--&\--

I look up at my ceiling, counting the little glow-in-the-dark stars. I still remember the day Lance brought them in here, laughing while we put them up. I asked him why he wanted to put stars on my ceiling, when we were in space surrounded by them, countless thousands and millions.

 _“I want to remind myself, that space doesn't have to be so big, I guess. I wanted to share them with you. This could be our own little galaxy, Keith,” he said, taking my hand and kissing my gloved knuckles_.

Thirty-two stars.

I hug the pillow that Lance used to sleep on, before he was taken captive. It stopped smelling like him weeks ago, but that didn't stop me from sleeping with it every night. I touch my lips absentmindedly, thinking about all the kisses we shared. 

_Space doesn't have to be so big_.

It feels monstrously huge, a vast gaping void, and I can almost see myself slipping into it. 

The others won't let me see him, not until he's not violent. His hands were warm against my throat, and I remember how fucking overjoyed I was, even as he was strangling me, because he was _alive_.

I wonder if he misses me, deep inside his head, because I know that Lance is still Lance. He's still a beautiful, work of art, he's made of stars and iron and I will love him regardless, if he remembers me or not. 

_Because he does not have to love me back, to get me to stay by his side_.

It took two years for us to fall in love together. If it takes another two years to help him heal and get back to where we were, I don't care. I'd wait a thousand years. I smile up at the glow-in-the-dark stars, because Lance is alive.

My hands feel empty without his fingers intertwined with mine. This space is too big, without him. I feel kind of like a black hole, because black holes rip everything apart at the seams. I still feel guilty, because if I had been paying more attention to Lance than that battle, this might not have happened. 

I hold a hand out, staring at the purple fingers curling in front of my face. I sigh, reaching up to touch an ear, and sure enough, it's furry and soft, wriggling at my touch.

I wonder if Lance could love me like this.

Closing my eyes and sighing deeply, I turn onto my side and hold the pillow close to my body, purring low, imagining it's him. 

\--&\--

A knocking at my door wakes me up. I blink groggily, and haul myself out of bed. I let the door slide open, to find Shiro standing there, smiling.

“What's goin’ on?” I mumble, rubbing my eyes, ears flared back.

“Lance would like to see you,” Shiro announces.

My heart starts racing, and I forget how to breathe for a tick, just staring at Shiro's face, not saying anything.

“He said he promises that he won't hurt you,” he says, putting a hand on my shoulder. I look at his hand, thinking back to when it used be his flesh, instead of metal and Galra tech.

“I'll be right outside the door, I swear, I won't let anything happen that you don't to happen. He seems like he just wants to talk to you, get some answers. I think it'd help a lot, honestly.” 

“Yeah, I'd like that,” I say, and I can feel my ears perk up, at the thought of seeing Lance.

Shiro smiles at me encouragingly, “Alright Lance, play nice, okay? If you get upset, or overwhelmed just leave okay? Keith will understand,” he says, looking down the hall.

I smell him before I see him, I smell my blood on him, I can smell his anxiety and his confusion. 

He’s standing in front of me, dark circles underneath his eyes, that I can see even when he's staring at his sneakers. He fidgets with his hands in his jacket pockets, and then he slowly looks up, meeting my gaze.

“I don't remember you being purple.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BIGGEST EMOTIONS RIGHT :')


	13. I've Never Needed You Like I Do Right Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Couldn't hear the thunder, but I heard your heart race  
> Couldn't see the rain, we're too busy makin' hurricanes
> 
> \- "Make Me (Cry)" Noah Cyrus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all'd've never thought I'd update huh

I find myself smiling against my better judgement, his blue eyes looking me over intently.

“I'm half-Galra,” I say, leaning against the doorframe and crossing my arms.

Lance nods silently, still staring at my ears, eyes wide as they start twitching, because I'm starting to get nervous.

“So. Uh, I wanted to. You know, um, apologize for...earlier. Back on the ship. Everything is so whack right now, Keith. I feel so weird and--I don't know. I don't know, but I shouldn't have hurt you like that. You didn't deserve that,” Lance says, hands fumbling in his jacket pockets, looking at me and frowning. 

_The stars don't deserve to burn out, and die but they still do, they still do_.

“Lance, I don't really know what to say right now. I feel responsible for all of this. It's my fault. It's all my fault that this happened to you,” I whisper, my hands balling into fists as my voice shakes.

He looks at me and smiles; I see a million glittering, dying planets.

“I knew you'd say that. You always think everything is your fault. But, it's not Keith. This wasn't your fault. I wanted to go off and be the hero. I wanted to feel like, I don't know, like...like I could do something important, I guess. I was sick of being dead weight,” Lance says quietly, looking down at me and smiling that god forsaken smile. My chest aches.

“You're not dead weight,” I blurt out.

Lance shakes his head, and laughs.

“It's all my fault that I got into this mess. So stop blaming yourself. You don't need to feel guilty. I'm okay. I mean--I will be, anyway. I think,” he mutters.

Lance coughs, and rubs at the back of his neck. “I like the ears, man. They're kinda cute,” he says, blushing a little.

I bite my lip and run a hand through my hair, pushing my bangs out of my face.

“I was worried. That you'd hate me,” I say. 

Lance is quiet for a moment, “Well, I mean. Ha, I kind of did hate you. For a while there. But I don't think I was supposed to. It felt so wrong. It felt really bad, I didn't feel like myself, and I sort of still don't.”

I hum in agreement, trying to look at anywhere but him. 

_If he is a supernova, then I am okay with becoming stardust_

I find myself reaching a hand up, towards Lance’s face. Fingers shaking, I stroke his cheek. He closes his eyes and oh god, he's so warm, and I can't believe how lucky it is that he's alive, that we found him. 

“Pidge said that you're my boyfriend,” he says, quietly and smiling softly in such a way that my heart beats thunderously loud inside my ribcage.

I blush, “Uh. I mean. We are. We were. Yes. Before…” 

Lance opens his eyes.

“Before I got captured,” he says blankly.

“Yes.” 

Lance grins up at me, eyes shining and for the first time since he's gotten back, they don't look like blown out candles.

“How do you feel about me?” he asks.

 _I love you. I love you more than I've ever loved anything, and it terrifies me completely. I'm afraid because I love you, Because even if you don't love me back, I will stay. You don't have to love me back to own my heart_.

“I...I care about you, so much, Lance. You're my entire universe,” I say, smiling.

The taller man blushes and covers his eyes.

“Oh man, Keith, c'mon warn a guy, oh shit. I'm blushing. Oh my god,” he laughs.

 _No matter how this universe ends, or how it began, this small moment in time will burn brightly in space. The stars will keep this safe, this will last one million forevers_.

“I'm sorry,” I say, chuckling.

“I wish I remembered,” Lance says, taking one of my hands in his, looking at the way our fingers twine together.

“I wish I could remember us.”

\--&\--

“Well?” Pidge asks, raising an eyebrow and leaning against the kitchens counter.

“Well what? Oh. You wanna know how it went with Lance, huh?” I say, setting my spoon down in my bowl of goo. 

They nod enthusiastically, “I mean, you don't look as ‘brooding’ as you usually do, so, I guess it can't have gone too badly, right?” 

I chuckle at their comment, and for a moment I'm silent.

“It went okay. He apologized for...you know. Trying to kill me,” I cringe and sigh, “I didn't know you told him Pidge. Lance said you told him we were dating. Don't you think that might have been, I don't know, a little too much for him? What if he'd taken it badly?” I say seriously.

Pidge frowned and looked away, “I just thought it help jog his memory,” they say sheepishly. “I didn't mean to upset him, was he angry at you?” 

“No. No he wasn't angry, he was really curious, like, he asked me how I felt about him, and if what you had said was really true,” I say quietly, running a hand through my bangs.

“What did you say?” they ask, perking up and grinning wolfishly. “Did you tell him that you _love_ him?” 

I chuckle nervously, “No, uh, no I didn't say that. Not in so many words at least. I told him that he means the universe to me,” and I blush badly when I hear Pidge start to laugh.

“Oh, oh my god. That's so cute. God, you guys are so dumb. I love you so much,” they say, wiping a tear away from laughing so hard.

“Shut up, oh my god.”

Pidge smiles at me, “I’m being serious, Keith. He may not remember the relationship you two shared, but didn't you see the way he was looking at you? After Coran talked to him, all he talked about to Shiro and Hunk was how much he wanted to see you. He was like, an excited puppy. It was disgustingly adorable, I might actually have a cavity.”

“I don't know,” I mumble.

Pidge groans loudly.

“You're such a drama queen,” they say, laughing when I gasp dramatically.

“Me? A drama queen? Why, I never,” I say loudly, smiling at them.

“You fucking dork. Go find your bae and do something productive, like, make out,” Pidge says.

I groan loudly and cover my face with my hands.

“Please, for the love of Voltron, never say ‘bae’ again.”

Pidge cackles loudly, and snorts water out their nose.

\--&\--

A loud knocking wakes me up, my eyes fluttering open, yawning as I stumble out of bed.

I open the door and my breath leaves my lungs in the most agonizing way.

Lance stands in front of me, face pained with an expression I don't quite know how to place.

“What's wrong?” I ask him, my trembling hand reaching out for his face. I stroke his cheek and he leans into the touch.

“I can't stop thinking about it. About what happened there-what happened to me. I can't stop thinking about it,” he says frantically.

“I'm sorry,” I say, my voice wavering, and it hurts to hear, the way I apologize, it sounds like a broken songbird.

Lance suddenly wraps his arms around me, and I feel his body trembling. He holds me close, and nuzzles his head in my neck.

“Please stop. Stop, Keith, stop. Please,” he begs me.

“I don't want you to blame yourself anymore,” Lance says quietly, words piercing through the darkness.

“Okay,” I say, grabbing at his shirt when he goes to pull away, pulling him back to me. 

We are silent, holding each other, and I do my best to pretend to not hear the way Lance’s breath catch in his throat. 

_How could I not love you, until forever bleeds out from my veins?_

“Let's go watch the stars,” Lance says, taking my hand in his, nervously, like maybe I'm something to be afraid of. 

“Okay,” I say, letting him lead me away from this empty, dark hallway, to the observation deck. To gaze upon even emptier spaces. 

It's quiet here, I can hear Lance’s breathing, the way it hitches in his throat. I can hear his heartbeat, beating wildly, thunderously loud and it sounds delicious to my finely tuned hearing.

“It's weird,” Lance says, drawing his knees up to his chest and staring out into space, eyes glued to the stars. 

“It's so weird, because I've always loved space. It was the one thing I could always count on. Physics and math don't lie, they can't hurt you like people can. Stars can't break you like people can,” he says, voice cracking.

I look at him, the starlight glittering in his eyes, as he looks out into the vast distance. 

_Broken. Broken, yet, still so beautiful_.

“Aren't the stars pretty, Keith?” 

“I...used to think so. It feels too big, space does. I don't like it anymore,” I admit.

He hums in agreement, looking at me and he smiles, takes one of my hands in his and plays with my fingers.

“You never did tell me why you wear these gloves all the time.”

“You really wanna know, Lance?” I ask him.

“Yes.” 

“Okay. Well, back at the Garrison, I used to fight a lot. Like, in the training area, I'd fight guys for practice, and to let off some steam, I guess. I was really angry back then, I only went to the Garrison because my last foster family got sick of me. They, uh. They just kind of gave up, wanted to get rid of me. I don't know. But anyway, I was pissed off all the time, and I didn't really care about my grades or anything. One night, I was throwing punches at a punching bag, after curfew, and someone came in. I thought I was gonna get in _so_ much trouble, right? But it was Shiro, he'd been watching me spar and he said he was impressed. He said he wanted to help me,” I say.

Lance looks at me expectantly, “Go on,” he says.

“Well, he basically took me under his wing. He helped me find an area to study in that interested me, that I'd be good at. Shiro would spar with me, and he actually clocked me pretty good a couple of times. But then, um. Then he left on the Kerberos Mission. And he didn't come back. It was the night before I got kicked out of the Garrison, actually. I broke into Shiro’s room and I don't know, maybe I was looking for answers, just something. Anything. I found these in his desk drawer. And I just took them. When Iverson expelled me, for ditching all the classes and breaking into Shiro’s room, that's when I took that hover bike and went into the desert. So, yeah. That's the story,” I say awkwardly. 

Lance is frowning, staring at my hand, held in his.

“Why did you take them, though?” he asks quietly.

“I just...wanted something to remember him by. I don't know, like, no one ever cared enough about me to make the effort to help me before. Everyone's always left me,” I say, gripping Lance’s hand tightly. 

His thumb rubs at my hand, almost absentmindedly.

“Did you love him?” Lance asks, suddenly, breaking the quiet.

“No. No, I never loved Shiro. I respected and admired him, but I never loved him. He's like a brother to me.”

Lance nods, still not looking at me, instead staring at the stars.

“Do you love me?” he asks, smiling sadly at our hands.

 _Yes. Yes, I love you. I have loved you far more than I have ever loved anything else. You are my whole world, your gravity feels like home_.

“Yes,” I say, “I love you.”

Lance looks at me and his eyes are wide, glittering with emotion.

“I've loved you for a long time,” I admit, looking into his blue eyes.

Lance smiles, then he frowns. His face falls, eyes going dull.

“Why? I don't understand, I mean, I'm like, the weakest link here, man. I got my dumbass captured. I could have died. Blue could have been destroyed. I'm just, I'm just _stupid_ , I don't think before I do things, and I'm not super smart like Pidge. I don't have any leadership skills like Shiro. I'm always weighing you guys down. I don't understand. Why do you love me?” Lance says angrily, but his hand is still holding mine. 

_Please, oh god, please don't leave me again_.

“You're really loud and wild, and you fly like it's in your blood. You always want to go back and rescue someone. You aren't selfish. When Pidge is feeling down you always know how to cheer them up. When we're in a pinch, you can always maneuver us out of it. You're passionate about everything, your family, your friends. You love the rain, the feel of it on your skin. You helped me put up glow-in-the-dark stars on my ceiling. When I have nightmares, you're always there. And sometimes, we just sit in silence. We don't have to talk, at all, you make me feel safe. You make space seem small,” I tell him, resting my forehead against his, looking into his eyes intently, trying to will him to believe every word I said. 

_He is amazing, he is a supernova blinding my vision, he is the gravity that grounds me, he is everything good that has ever existed and more_.

“I'm not-I'm not any of that,” Lance says breathily, his lips ghosting over mine.

“Yes,” I say, closing the distance and kissing him, his hand comes up to my cheek, as he kisses me back, slowly.

Lance kisses me like maybe this is the only time he’s ever really been alive, my breath leaves my lungs and I couldn't be happier than to give it to him. Hands grab my shirt, pulling me closer. He bites my lip, and I quietly moan, blushing.

Lance pulls away to look at me, “Holy shit,” he whispers.

He’s kissing me again, like he might die if his lips aren't on mine, cradling my face in his hands. I pull away, panting, my breath ghosting across his face, his taste still on my tongue. 

Lance gently pushes me down to the floor, so that I'm lying down on my back. He crawls on top of me, kissing me again, hands running through my hair and tugging gently.

“Lance, Lance,” I pant, “We shouldn't really-”

He kisses my neck, sucking hard on the spot between my shoulder and the hollow of my throat.

“Ohhhh god, we can't do this here,” I say covering my face with my hands.

Lance takes my hands and pins them up above me, kisses me deeply, making my toes curl inside my boots. 

“Okay,” he says, and oh my fucking god, he sounds so wrecked. 

“How does your room sound?” he asks, helping me up and kissing my cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OwO


	14. Hourglass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And I'm so impatient when you're not mine  
> I just want to catch up on all the lost times  
> And I'll say I'm sorry if I sound sordid  
> 'Cause all I really ever want is you
> 
> \- "Hourglass" Catfish And The Bottlemen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lmfaoooo guess who finally fucking updated!! 
> 
> This is like. Just all sex. I'm sorry it's so short but I actually hate writing sex scenes lol. I tried my best though!! 
> 
> I want to dedicate this chapter to my angel <3 I love you

His breath is hot in my ear, as he guides me to the wall, and pushes me up against it. Warm lips meet my neck, and plant slow kisses and bites down upon my skin. Lance grabs my hips and looks at me-

_Why would I want to go back to Earth, when your eyes are that blue?_

“Keith,” he murmurs, Lance says my name almost cautiously, like maybe he has a reason to be scared.

My face is possibly, actually on fire, I'm blushing so badly, but I manage to keep eye contact with him.

“Yeah?” I whisper, my voice is haggard with want and I'm struggling to keep breathing at a steady rate, but Lance makes that hard to do when his hands are gripping my ass.

“Let me show you, please, Keith,” he says breathily, face flushed and dropping to his knees in front of me.

“Show me-me what?” I ask, heart beating loudly in my chest.

“Let me show you how much I missed you, how beautiful you are. Please,” Lance says as he runs his hands sinfully slow, up my thighs, until he almost reaches my dick, and then he stops suddenly. His eyes are locked onto mine.

 _Blue_.

“Fuck, you look-Lance, please. I missed you so much,” I plead.

Lance fucking giggles, the little shit, and he takes my jeans and undoes the button with his teeth-his fucking teeth. Warm hands yank at the fabric, pulling them down past my hips, and then my thighs, past my knees.

“Holy shit,” Lance whispers.

“What?” I groan, covering my face with my gloved hands, trying to hide my blush.

“Your boxers are still on, and you're-you're really big. I can tell,” he says, breathlessly, hands playing with the waistband of my red boxers.

I whine loudly, still embarrassed. I peek at him, out from behind my hands, and he's looking up at me, that smile plastered brightly on his face, and he's pulling down my boxers.

The cold air hits my dick and I can't help but to shiver, and then _oh my god Jesus fuck_ there are Lance’s lips at my tip, licking slowly and there are _no_ words, to describe how good that feels.

“Look at me, okay?” Lance says, and then he puts one hand on my thigh, and the other one is immediately wrapped around my dick. His hand is so warm, and he's looking at me the entire time, grinning at the way I'm blushing. 

He puts his mouth on me again, and I yell out, as his hot, wet mouth is sliding down my cock, and my hands are suddenly in his hair.

“Lance, oh god, Lance you're so good, you're so good,” I babble, moaning loudly when he swirls his tongue around my head.

He moans on my dick, and I see his cheeks go scarlet, as he starts sucking harder, getting sloppier. There's a little bit of drool coming out of his mouth. I want to kiss it off.

“You're beautiful, Lance. You're so good for me,” I say, hoping that I've picked up on this correctly.

Lance shakes, and he pulls his mouth off of me, panting and gripping my thighs, blue eyes blown out with lust. His jaw is slack, and I hear him panting, as I run a hand through his hair. He leans into my touch.

“You're my good boy,” I say quietly, smiling down at him, and Lance moans loudly, his whole body trembling as he grips my thighs tighter. 

“Please, Keith,” he whines.

“Please, what?” I ask, stroking his cheek, and brushing the hair that fell in his eyes away from his face.

“Please fuck me.” Lance says desperately. 

I take Lance by the hand, help him up, and lead him to his bed. I place my hand in his chest, pushing him gently down, until he's on his back. 

“Keith,” he says, tugging at my shirt and pulling me close, until our lips are brushing.

“Yes?” 

“I…” he trails off, and then he pull me into a kiss that makes my brain short circuit and my dick ache.

“Clothes,” I say, tugging off his shirt, and good lord this boy is beautiful, oh my god. I run my hands up his chest, to his nipples, and I give them a little twist. 

Lance moans loudly, blushing and balling his sheets up, with his hands. 

“You like that, don't you?” I ask him, tugging his pants off. He looks at me and blushes, covering his face. “Yeah, you do,” I say smugly, as I tease his boxers off of his body.

 _Holy shit_.

Lance’s dick is already weeping pre-cum, and when I swipe my thumb over the tip, he whines, spreading his legs and oh my god, I can see his beautiful, little asshole puckering, this boy is going to kill me.

“Oh god,” I moan, pumping him with my hand, blushing as he moans wildly and bucks his hips. I remove my hand from his cock, and I go to take off my gloves, but a dark hand grabs my wrist.

“Don't. Leave them on. Please? It's you,” he says in a strange voice, almost shameful, bashful.

I just nod my head, and run my hands up his thighs, pulling his legs apart, trying to breathe and not fuck this up. 

_Beautiful_.

He’s beautiful, holy shit. 

“Hang on, oh come on, it's here somewhere…” Lance trails off as he rummages around in the nightstand drawer.

“Ta-da!” he exclaims proudly, shoving a little jar into my hand, and laying back down.

I examine the little glass jar, unscrewing the lid, and sniffing it tentatively.

“It's-this is lube? Space lube?” I stammer, blushing badly.

Lance giggles, “Hell yeah, it is. Hunk helped me make it a while ago. Just uh, just in case, you know?” he says quietly.

I hum in agreement, taking a finger and scooping some lube onto it, rubbing it along all the fingers on my left hand. 

Lance has his hands fisted in his sheets, even though nothing has happened yet. I take his hand in mine, and he blushes, looking away from me.

“Can I touch you?” I ask him, licking at his fingers in my hand, and rubbing my cheek across his palm.

He’s shaking slightly, maybe from nerves or excitement. “Yes.”

My hand still holding his, I kiss his navel, my teeth and tongue worshipping his lower abdomen, I crawl down lower until I can bite and suck on his upper thighs. His moans are needy and his cock is weeping pre-come, the tip all wet and shiny. 

I remove my lube-free hand from his, and place it on his right thigh, propping Lance’s leg up. 

“You ready? I'll go slow, I promise,” I say dazedly.

“Okay,” he says, shivering.

I push my left index finger in, slowly, and once the first knuckle is in, I stop. Lance is panting, squirming and bucking his hips slightly, all while I'm trying to hold him down.

“Pace yourself, pretty boy,” I tell him, sticking my finger in further, slowly, until it’s all the way in. I marvel at how nice his pretty little pink asshole looks, sucking my finger in. 

Lance is whining and squirming again, “Please, Keith, more, don't stop,” he begs.

I smile, and take my finger out slowly, and then thrusting it into him, not too fast, but not slowly either. Lance’s cries are beautiful, his thighs are trembling, and his ass is so ungodly tight around my finger that I have to remind myself to fucking breathe.

Lance moans out my name frantically as I push in a second finger, and it takes everything I have in me to not stick my dick in him right then and there, preparation be damned. 

“Keith, Kei-” Lance’s voice breaks as I crook my fingers upward and he actually screams, shaking like a leaf.

“Does that feel good?” I ask him, my voice shaking, as I lean over him, fucking into him with my fingers, he clenches, and I moan out loud.

Lance nods, face flushed and cheeks bright red, his little moans and pants warm against my face.

He pulls me to him, kissing me wildly, messy and sloppy and there's drool on my face, but I don't care.

“Please, Keith, I need you. I'm ready, I promise,” he whines into my mouth, stealing another kiss from me.

“Okay,” I say, kneeling back and grabbing a pillow, and putting it underneath Lance’s lower back, near his ass. I pull his legs apart, and pull him closer to me, roughly, snarling and panting at the way he hides his face, looking away. 

“Look at me,” I growl, and Lance moans and trembles beneath me, but he listens and looks me in my eyes.

I rub my head along his cute little pucker, enjoying the way he squirms and shivers, his hands grabbing me wherever they can reach. Slowly, I put the tip in, and Lance freezes, mouth agape. 

“Are-are you okay?” I ask him, my face flushed hot.

“Keep going,” he says, breathily, opening up his legs more.

I nod and grind myself into him, and he shakes wildly, moaning my name out like a mantra.

“You feel so good, holy fuck, Keith, Keith,” Lance pants out, thrusting his hips up, trying to get some friction going on.

His ass is so hot, and so tight, something in me wants to just _fuck_ , fuck Lance until he’s blacked out, and bruised and bleeding. I gasp, trying to ground myself, as I thrust into him slowly, trying to control myself.

He grinds his hips up to meet me, and I can't help but stare at his face. Lance’s jaw is slack, his eyes are bright and blown out, and his cheeks are flushed, and he looks so obscenely beautiful. 

“Keith, oh my god, please-please, _ah_ , harder,” he begs as I shake violently. I just nod, breathless, taking hold of him by the thighs and pounding into him ruthlessly.

Lance is moaning and writhing beneath me, babbling in broken sentences, some of it is just my name over and over again. He starts crying from how overloaded his body is, and something in me snaps.

I toss one of his legs up in my shoulder and grip him by the hips, fucking him violently as Lance screams and claws at me wherever he can reach me. 

“Fuck, oh god, I'm gonna, gonna cum,” Lance moans out, panting and tears running down his pretty face.

I place my hand gently over his throat, and I feel him breathing, and panting.

“Oh, fuck, please,” Lance says, desperately.

My fingers tighten just enough, to make him roll gasp and shake, he grips my arm tightly and he starts convulsing violently, as he cums, his whole body is shaking as he looks into my eyes.

I fucking lose my mind, and I pound into him twice more, hard enough to make Lance yelp, as I fill him up with my own cum. I slide out, and I'm mesmerized at the way my cum looks as it's leaking out of his gorgeous body.

He’s breathing heavily, just laying there. Glowing.

“That. That was…holy shit,” Lance says breathlessly, and god damn, he looks so fucked out and beautiful it's kind of making my heart ache.

“You're amazing,” I say gingerly, taking his hand in mine.

Lance blushes and smiles, stroking my bangs out of my face.

“Keith, I love you.”


	15. I Think Your Eyes Could Use Some Sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Sometimes it scares me  
> How much I think about going  
> For a walk and never coming home  
> And how willing I am to leave everything I have and everyone I know”
> 
> -“You Were A Home I Wanted To Grow Up In”, Flatsound

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyyyy look who updated lmao.
> 
> The plot thickens and the end is nigh, my friends. Are you excited? I’m not.
> 
> So...feedback would be lit because I feel like this whole entire fic is garbage and I don’t know if it is? Do people even enjoy reading it? I don’t know. I’d appreciate it if you let me know what you think. Thanks guys <3

Lance wakes up to the sound of soft breathing, warm on his chest. He tentatively runs his hand through Keith’s hair. It’s soft, Lance twirls his finger around the curls that are forming at the end of his mullet. He closes his eyes, and rubs at his face with the hand that’s not petting the other mans locks. 

They had sex last night, and Lance told Keith that he loves him.

Lance sighs, and he thinks about the way Keith’s eyes lit up at the three small, and yet also infinitely huge words. He wasn’t lying, no, he meant what he said, but he couldn’t help but feel like maybe...maybe he shouldn’t have told Keith how he felt.

Tomorrow is not a promise, as much as Lance wishes it was. 

The battles and missions have raged on for two years now, who’s to say that tomorrow he won’t die? 

Death is a tricky thing. It comes out of nowhere, when you least expect it. And as much as Lance would like to believe otherwise, love can’t stop it. Nothing can, not him, or Shiro or God.

He looks down at Keith, laying on his chest. Lance smiles sadly, because he loves him. He loves Keith so much it blows his mind a little bit, kind of like the way space still does. But he knows this will end, maybe not today, but someday. And it’s going to hurt, it’s going to destroy whoever and whatever is left. However, he tries not to think about who will be around to bear the heartache, and carry the weight of the fallout.

Not yet. There’s still time, Lance thinks.

Slim fingers trace a scar across Lance’s chest, softly. Tenderly. He remembers how he got that scar. A Galra soldier had stabbed him, with a dagger. The blood poured out of his body like water out of a faucet. Keith carried him away to the sidelines, and gave him CPR after Lance had stopped breathing. Keith saved his life.

Keith is barely awake, but that’s okay. The room is quiet. Lance takes Keith’s hand into his, thumb rubbing across his hand slowly, absentmindedly. 

“Good morning.” Keith says, looking up at Lance, now having rolled over onto his back. His raven locks fall away from his face, and cascade onto the pillows, soft curls all tumbling around him, and he looks beautiful. 

Lance smiles, bright and all teeth. He turns to face the other man directly, pressing a chaste kiss to his lips. 

“Good morning Keith.”

—&—

Shiro looks at Allura, and his face is stern. 

They’re on the control deck, none of the other paladins are out of their rooms yet, and the stars and planets whizzing by outside the windows make Shiro feel small, and dizzy. He looks away because he doesn’t like feeling small anymore.

“We need to find Zarkon. I don’t know why he took Lance, exactly. I know it’s awful to say, but if he had a paladin of Voltron, why didn’t he kill him? It would have been beneficial for him. Without Lance, or the Blue Lion we can’t form Voltron, and he knows that.” Shiro says, looking solemn.

Allura frowns, tucking a stray piece of her hair that’s fallen from her bun. 

“I don’t know. I think you are right though, Shiro. I feel like Zarkon has something dastardly planned. I cannot help but feel it’s something much bigger than we thought,” she says as she places a hand in Shiro’s Galra made mechanical one. 

He squeezes her hand gently, trying to comfort her.

“Realistically, we need intel. We need to find out his next move and figure out what he’s planning. If we can get a hold on what he’s trying to do, we might be able to find a hole in his plans and stop him. For good,” Shiro says as he clenches his jaw.

The older man seems lost in thought for a while, then he gasps and his eyes widen.

“Do you think Zarkon knows about Earth?” 

Allura pales, her dark skin taking on a rather grayer color. 

“I can’t be sure he does not,” she replies, voice small and wavering.

—&—

Coran comes to knock on Lance’s door. 

“Lance, Shiro and Allura need to speak with us. Pidge and Hunk are already there on the deck, I can’t find Keith though,” he says as he leans against the wall, a hand twirling at his finger mustache. It’s a nervous tick he was never really able to get rid of.

“Nah, it’s fine, he’s in here. We’ll be up in a minute,” Lance shouts from in his room. 

As Coran walks away, he hears Keith laugh. It’s a foreign sound to his Altean ears.

—&—

“Shiro and I have discussed something we would like to bring to your attention, paladins,” Allura says as she surveys everyone present.

“Well? What is it? I was working on a tracking algorithm for his ship and I’d like to get back to it soon”, Pidge says.

Shiro sighs impatiently, and looks up at the ceiling. “Pidge, please. Okay. So, we don’t know why Zarkon targeted Lance. We don’t know why he didn’t destroy the Blue Lion. We also don’t know why, and no offense, he didn’t kill Lance.”

“Wow guys, thanks,” Lance says bitterly. 

I rub his back soothingly, but I nod my head. I have to admit, I was asking the same thing at this point. 

“Zarkon would have had a strategic advantage if he’d done so,” I say, frowning at Lance. He just crosses his arms, and looks back to Shiro.

“We think he has bigger plans. Catastrophic ones. We need to find out what they are, and put a stop to them. We think he might be possibly trying to gain information about Earth, although we don’t have much to work on, regarding that,” Allura says worriedly.

I look over to Lance and his eyes are blank. 

“They took a lot of my memories. Mostly regarding Keith, but a lot of shit they poked around with had to do with my family, my mom. Cuba. I...I could see him maybe trying to find out information that way. It makes sense that he didn’t kill me, if that’s what he wanted, I guess,” he says quietly.

Hunk frowns and tugs at the end of his headband. “Okay, so if this is the lead we wanna take, where do we start? I don’t know, maybe Pidge can hack their mainframe, or search through any files they can, maybe we can get something useful. I just, I never thought he might try to go after Earth. I know Zarkon’s all about universal domination, but Earth? Seriously? That’s home. If that’s what he’s trying to get after, we _have_ to stop him,” he says, biting at his nails and looking the most stressed out I’ve ever seen him. 

Pidge nods, “I’m sure I can find out something. There has to be _something_ , even if it’s not his whole entire plan, I think that this might be a good start.”

“What do you think, Keith?” Shiro asks.

I don’t say anything for a while, i just hold Lance’s hand like my life depends on it.

 _Maybe I don’t want to save the world anymore, maybe I just want his arms around me when it all ends_.

“I think we need to try to find out what Zarkon is trying to do. If Earth is involved, he’s making it personal, in fact, he already has.” 

Lance looks over sadly at me. Big blue eyes. 

“I’ll fucking kill him, one way or another. He can’t destroy Earth. We’ve all seen what he can do, he kills entire planets. Enslaves their people. I might not have a family down there, but I don’t care. I’d rather die than let him take Earth. We need to stop him.” I say angrily, gripping Lance’s hand tighter now. 

Shiro crosses his arms, and nods, “Alright then. Pidge, do what you do best. Hunk, if you can help them, please do. I’m sure you can work better together, as a team. Two big brains are better than one. Allura and I will map out the planets Zarkon has recently attacked, to try to figure out if hes got any certain direction he’s trying to spread his empire out in. Keith, Lance, I know it’s hard to stay stagnant, but given recent events, I think it’s best if you two just cool your jets for a while and relax. Train a little, but if we need you two to do anything specific we’ll let you know. Just take it easy, please? You two could use it. It’s been a hell of a couple weeks for the both of you,” he says, looking at me anxiously.

“Gotcha,” I say reluctantly, as Lance squeezes my hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry it’s short but I tried lol.
> 
> Hopefully y’all like where this goes!!


End file.
